My husband came home yesterday from a 5 day trip to California. I was so excited to hear all about his trip and what I heard instead was silence. We had a 3 hour drive home and stopped for dinner, all in silence except my husband asking me to stop somewhere for him to use the restroom and both of us ordering our food at the restaurant.
I struggle a lot with thoughts that I am not enough. Not smart enough, not thin enough, not important enough, not lovable enough - you get the picture. I also believe the story I have told myself for years that my husband should be my best friend, and he is not. My story is that my husband is not my best friend, is not interested in hearing what I have to say, and is not interested in being close to me physically or emotionally because I am not enough of anything to satisfy what he really wants.
This story is so much a part of me that I collect evidence to prove the story true, even when I don't realize that is what I am doing. I had a powerful experience on Sunday and wanted to share it with my husband, so I did. He was distracted and not really listening to me, and I felt frustrated and hurt. I racked up his behavior as another example of where I was not important enough to listen to. I added this evidence to the steel trap in my mind that collects all of this evidence so I can really prove my point when challenged.
Today I realized that I expected my husband to focus on and understand what I experienced when he was still desperately trying to process the powerful experience he was involved in for 5 days. I subconsciously collected more evidence.
Tonight I tried to talk to my husband about how I felt yesterday. I wanted to let him know that he can take as much time as he needs to process what he learns and I will wait until he is ready to share, if he ever is. I wanted to tell him I love him and I am glad he is home. All of this would have been good except I waited until he told me he was going to bed before I tried to talk to him and then shut down when he started to interrupt me so he just ended up frustrated with me. I said something about what I had to say not being important enough and about me not being important enough and he went to bed. I definitely collected evidence in that situation.
I sat on the couch and cried, just as I did last night and also in the car yesterday. What I realized is that no one else can make me miserable and no one else can make me happy. I am the only one who can do either one based on the stories I choose to believe about myself.
I started thinking about the evidence I have collected that tells me I am amazing, and smart, and talented, and trusting, and vulnerable, and worthy, and caring. I am a child of God and he loves me and thinks I am amazing! I need to focus on communicating with and spending time with people who show me this type of evidence.
I will continue to hope my husband becomes one of these people and more so that I will be this type of person for him, For now, we are roommates collecting evidence.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Monday, August 5, 2013
Being Noticed
I have been realizing lately that I have a conflicting desire to be noticed and a fear of being noticed. When I look closer, I can see that my real fear is not that of simply being noticed, but rather that of being examined and found to be not enough or not having it all together. If I am not enough all on my own, or if I do not have it all together, I have to rely on someone else. That means opening myself up to the possibility of being hurt, and that feels scary. Relying on myself and never letting anyone get too close is lonely, and I am realizing that the end result is exactly what I am trying to avoid - feeling hurt!
I was talking with my coach tonight and she asked me why I think it is that I keep people at a distance. I do this because I have been hurt when I have let people get to close - either people leave, or they have taken information I have shared and thrown it back at me in a hurtful way, like rubbing salt in a wound.
My coach helped me see that shutting myself off from those people was a good choice and a way of protecting myself at the time, but is no longer a choice that is serving me well. And even though this choice is no longer serving me well today, I can still be thankful for the times these choices did serve me well.
Knowing this, I can take a step out in the open and risk being vulnerable again. I can risk being uncomfortable and knowing that none of us "have it all together" anyway. I can risk being noticed.
I was talking with my coach tonight and she asked me why I think it is that I keep people at a distance. I do this because I have been hurt when I have let people get to close - either people leave, or they have taken information I have shared and thrown it back at me in a hurtful way, like rubbing salt in a wound.
My coach helped me see that shutting myself off from those people was a good choice and a way of protecting myself at the time, but is no longer a choice that is serving me well. And even though this choice is no longer serving me well today, I can still be thankful for the times these choices did serve me well.
Knowing this, I can take a step out in the open and risk being vulnerable again. I can risk being uncomfortable and knowing that none of us "have it all together" anyway. I can risk being noticed.
Monday, July 15, 2013
A deserve issue?
I've been thinking a lot lately about the results I am creating, or failing to create in my life. I have been trying to look at the facts and the stories I have created around those facts. I attach meanings (stories) to events or facts and then continue to run those stories by looking for the same events so I can be right. My biggest or strongest example of this right now is related to my weight. The fact is that I am overweight. The meaning I attach to that is that I will always be overweight and because of that, I am a failure and always will be. In order to be right about this, I overeat every time I have some success at releasing weight and gain back every pound I released, and usually more. If I dig a little deeper I find that the real reason I do this is because it is a way to punish myself for thinking I deserve to be healthy and fit, and a way to be right about my story that I will always be overweight.
I don't have to be strong enough to change this story on my own. The Bible tells me that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength, and everything is possible for him who believes.
I was recently told that God waits for me (us) to act first. Instead of waiting to feel powerful or confident, I need to move ahead in my weakness.
I think the reason I don't deserve to be healthy and fit is because I might attract attention if I am, and I don't deserve attention because I don't live up to other people's expectations, and that makes me unlovable and unworthy of other people's time and attention. Definitely a deserve issue!
It's time to move past my fears, step into deserving, and take action. I have read and researched and watched others. I have even had some small successes in the past that show me I can release weight. I learned recently that I need to commit first, and then my heart will kick in. I also need to pray, spend time with God, and read the Bible to learn and remember who I am in Christ.
On my own, I don't deserve anything good. As a child of God, I am an heir to eternal life and I am responsible for taking care of this body I have been given to go through life in. It's time to get started doing just that. Maybe, just maybe, I will find out I deserve to move forward in health and wholeness.
I don't have to be strong enough to change this story on my own. The Bible tells me that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength, and everything is possible for him who believes.
I was recently told that God waits for me (us) to act first. Instead of waiting to feel powerful or confident, I need to move ahead in my weakness.
I think the reason I don't deserve to be healthy and fit is because I might attract attention if I am, and I don't deserve attention because I don't live up to other people's expectations, and that makes me unlovable and unworthy of other people's time and attention. Definitely a deserve issue!
It's time to move past my fears, step into deserving, and take action. I have read and researched and watched others. I have even had some small successes in the past that show me I can release weight. I learned recently that I need to commit first, and then my heart will kick in. I also need to pray, spend time with God, and read the Bible to learn and remember who I am in Christ.
On my own, I don't deserve anything good. As a child of God, I am an heir to eternal life and I am responsible for taking care of this body I have been given to go through life in. It's time to get started doing just that. Maybe, just maybe, I will find out I deserve to move forward in health and wholeness.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Not Giving Up the Goal
So, a few weeks ago I set a 90-day goal to improve communication with my husband. I came up with three action steps to complete that would help me in reaching my goal. The first action step was to tell my husband about my goal. I did that, and he laughed. My response was the same as it always is when I feel hurt or frustrated with the way we communicate - I shut down and stop talking to him altogether.
The next morning I told him I was going to change my goal because it obviously must be a silly goal if it made him laugh. He said he wasn't laughing at me or my goal. And then he just stopped talking. I waited a few minutes to see if he was going to say anything more and he didn't, so I asked him why he did laugh. His response was that he laughed because my goal is to improve communication with him and he is the one who upsets me all the time and then I quit talking to him.
I explained to him that my goal was not about changing him, but instead was about changing me and the way I respond to him when we are not communicating well, which is most of the time.
What I really want is to be able to talk to my husband about anything, without him trying to fix me or laughing at me or cutting me off mid-sentence without ever really hearing what I am saying. I want this, yet when my husband laughs, or talks over me, or starts trying to fix me, I shut down and quit talking to him at all and get more of what don't want - loneliness and distance between us, even when we are sitting two feet from each other.
Don't get me wrong here, my husband is a great guy. In all fairness, I must say that I am aware that his laughter is often just his way of reacting when he isn't sure what to say. I know he isn't really laughing at me, but it feels like it at the time. I know he wants to solve whatever problem I may have and that is why he tries to fix the situation or offer solutions, not because he thinks I need fixing. That is just my interpretation. The part I find the most challenging is when he cuts me off when I am in the middle of a sentence. He tells me that he thinks I am finished with what I am saying, and that just reinforces my belief that he is really not listening to me at all. My goal really is not about changing him. It is about changing me and the way I respond to him. Maybe that will lead to him changing too, and maybe not. Either way is okay with me. I am more interested in changing me and the way I respond. I deserve to be heard and what I have to say matters.
On our way home from work tonight we were talking about what we were going to have for supper. We had decided on salad and my husband asked if we had salad dressing at home. I started to answer, "we have cranberry walnut, ranch, etc.," and only got as far as "we have" and he said, "ok." I quit talking and he asked what I was going to say. I told him to forget it because he already responded before I could even finish my sentence. He once again told me he thought I was done. After "we have?" Does that even come close to sounding like a complete sentence?
It has taken me the past 3 1/2 hours, and typing this post, to talk myself out of giving up this goal. I had my mind made up that reaching this goal is too hard and I will never make it because he will continue to cut me off and not listen to me. What I realize now is that my focus had shifted to him needing to change instead of me.
Why is it so hard to stay focused and keep my goals in my head when the going gets tough? I think it comes back to the importance of our words and the desire to be right. I have commented that my husband and I communicate poorly more times than I can begin to count. If we continue to communicate poorly, then I get to be right. Tonight I realized that I would rather be happy and feel close to my husband. It is time to change my words - those I write, those I think, and those I speak to others and to myself.
My husband and I love each other and care about each other's thoughts and feelings. We laugh together and listen to each other without judgment and with confidence that we are each capable of solving our own problems and asking for help when we need it. These are my new words and I am not giving up the goal of communicating better with my husband.
Feel free to remind me of that and hold me accountable if I start pointing fingers anywhere but at me!
The next morning I told him I was going to change my goal because it obviously must be a silly goal if it made him laugh. He said he wasn't laughing at me or my goal. And then he just stopped talking. I waited a few minutes to see if he was going to say anything more and he didn't, so I asked him why he did laugh. His response was that he laughed because my goal is to improve communication with him and he is the one who upsets me all the time and then I quit talking to him.
I explained to him that my goal was not about changing him, but instead was about changing me and the way I respond to him when we are not communicating well, which is most of the time.
What I really want is to be able to talk to my husband about anything, without him trying to fix me or laughing at me or cutting me off mid-sentence without ever really hearing what I am saying. I want this, yet when my husband laughs, or talks over me, or starts trying to fix me, I shut down and quit talking to him at all and get more of what don't want - loneliness and distance between us, even when we are sitting two feet from each other.
Don't get me wrong here, my husband is a great guy. In all fairness, I must say that I am aware that his laughter is often just his way of reacting when he isn't sure what to say. I know he isn't really laughing at me, but it feels like it at the time. I know he wants to solve whatever problem I may have and that is why he tries to fix the situation or offer solutions, not because he thinks I need fixing. That is just my interpretation. The part I find the most challenging is when he cuts me off when I am in the middle of a sentence. He tells me that he thinks I am finished with what I am saying, and that just reinforces my belief that he is really not listening to me at all. My goal really is not about changing him. It is about changing me and the way I respond to him. Maybe that will lead to him changing too, and maybe not. Either way is okay with me. I am more interested in changing me and the way I respond. I deserve to be heard and what I have to say matters.
On our way home from work tonight we were talking about what we were going to have for supper. We had decided on salad and my husband asked if we had salad dressing at home. I started to answer, "we have cranberry walnut, ranch, etc.," and only got as far as "we have" and he said, "ok." I quit talking and he asked what I was going to say. I told him to forget it because he already responded before I could even finish my sentence. He once again told me he thought I was done. After "we have?" Does that even come close to sounding like a complete sentence?
It has taken me the past 3 1/2 hours, and typing this post, to talk myself out of giving up this goal. I had my mind made up that reaching this goal is too hard and I will never make it because he will continue to cut me off and not listen to me. What I realize now is that my focus had shifted to him needing to change instead of me.
Why is it so hard to stay focused and keep my goals in my head when the going gets tough? I think it comes back to the importance of our words and the desire to be right. I have commented that my husband and I communicate poorly more times than I can begin to count. If we continue to communicate poorly, then I get to be right. Tonight I realized that I would rather be happy and feel close to my husband. It is time to change my words - those I write, those I think, and those I speak to others and to myself.
My husband and I love each other and care about each other's thoughts and feelings. We laugh together and listen to each other without judgment and with confidence that we are each capable of solving our own problems and asking for help when we need it. These are my new words and I am not giving up the goal of communicating better with my husband.
Feel free to remind me of that and hold me accountable if I start pointing fingers anywhere but at me!
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Fact/Meaning
The fact is that I am overweight. The meaning I have attached to this fact is that I am lazy, unworthy, and unsuccessful. The results I have created in my life by believing this meaning include remaining overweight, feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, and believing I will fail at trying to change my weight because I'm not worth the effort anyway. This carries over into the rest of my life because I hold back from participating in many activities because of my weight and hide behind knowledge and experience in other areas, such as work, to take the attention off of my weight. This results in loneliness and lack of any close relationships.
Reading these thoughts is very emotional to me. I have lived with these meanings for longer than I care to admit and the only recognizable reward has been that I get to be right.
I know today that I have choices! The fact that I am overweight is still true, but I can change the meaning of this fact to whatever I chose that will better serve me and help me reach my goals. I can add to the fact of being overweight that I am strong and getting stronger. I know this is true because I can do 30 push-ups on my feet now (3 sets of 10) and 8-9 months ago I could hardly do 2 push-ups on my knees. I can lift and swing higher weights than I would have even thought of trying 9 months ago.
I am overweight, and also strong and getting stronger. The meaning I choose to attach to this fact is that I am making small changes to release the extra weight I am carrying around and have many tools and great support available to help and encourage me. I am capable of improving my fitness and being more active and will push through the feelings of discomfort and enjoy my progress as it comes. I will stop hiding behind other accomplishments and develop honest and trusting relationships with others by being vulnerable and bold.
I am a trusting, bold, worthy woman and this new meaning to the fact of being overweight will better support me in stepping into who I know I can be.
Reading these thoughts is very emotional to me. I have lived with these meanings for longer than I care to admit and the only recognizable reward has been that I get to be right.
I know today that I have choices! The fact that I am overweight is still true, but I can change the meaning of this fact to whatever I chose that will better serve me and help me reach my goals. I can add to the fact of being overweight that I am strong and getting stronger. I know this is true because I can do 30 push-ups on my feet now (3 sets of 10) and 8-9 months ago I could hardly do 2 push-ups on my knees. I can lift and swing higher weights than I would have even thought of trying 9 months ago.
I am overweight, and also strong and getting stronger. The meaning I choose to attach to this fact is that I am making small changes to release the extra weight I am carrying around and have many tools and great support available to help and encourage me. I am capable of improving my fitness and being more active and will push through the feelings of discomfort and enjoy my progress as it comes. I will stop hiding behind other accomplishments and develop honest and trusting relationships with others by being vulnerable and bold.
I am a trusting, bold, worthy woman and this new meaning to the fact of being overweight will better support me in stepping into who I know I can be.
How I Play
I was reading a friend's first blog post tonight and it ended with the three questions below.
First, in life are you playing to win, or simply playing not to lose? The second is how big is the reward (your dream or goal) that you are seeking? The third is what is the level of risk that is required for you to live the life of your dreams?
I have attended several Klemmer and Associates seminars in the past 6-7 months. The first one I attended is called Personal Mastery. I have gone back and staffed Personal Mastery once, and also staffed the Quickening, which is Personal Mastery concepts tied to the Bible. I also continued in this work by attending the next seminar level called Advanced Leadership Seminar, or ALS.
I have learned several things about myself and the way I think and the way I play in this game called life. I have had this misconception that in order for someone to win, someone else has to lose. I know differently today, yet often still play not to lose.
So, that is my answer to the first question in my friend's blog. I play not to lose. Even when I have played from the perspective that someone has to lose and someone has to win, I have played not to lose rather than playing to win. Playing to win is risky because I have no guarantee of winning, and I have chosen to give in to self-doubt and low self-esteem and believe that I am much more likely to lose than I am to win. Playing not to lose feels like the safest option because I can convince myself that I am trying without risking too much, but in reality, I am really losing the most by playing this way because I am not giving my all to anything. I am doing just enough to get by when I am playing not to lose.
To be brutally honest, sometimes I even play to lose! Sometimes I sabotage myself and the progress I am making towards reaching a dream or a goal to make sure I can't win. I have given this behavior quite a bit of thought and have come to the conclusion that I do this because I am afraid of succeeding and then falling back, and I lack confidence in my abilities to reach my goal so I squash my progress so I get to be right about thinking I will never succeed in reaching my goal. I also like to be comfortable and have noticed that each time I start to feel good about my progress toward reaching my goal, I start making poor choices and moving backwards. I think this is partially related to the discomfort of feeling good about my progress. Sounds silly, I know, to be uncomfortable about feeling good or proud, but it is not something I have allowed myself to feel much in my life.
The second question is how big is the reward (dream or goal) that you are seeking? The reward I have in mind is to be at a healthy weight and be fit and active. This reward is huge to me because I have not experienced being at a healthy weight since I was in kindergarten, and I only know I was then because of pictures I have seen. Getting to a healthy weight, along with getting fit and being active means feeling comfortable in my own skin, keeping up with my grandchildren, and gaining confidence and trust in myself and my abilities. This reward is so huge that it is often overwhelming and I feel paralyzed by the number of changes I need to make in my life and my habits so I don't take action at all, or I take action that will keep me stuck where I have always been.
The third question is what is the level of risk that is required for you to live the life of your dreams? I'm not sure how to rate the level of risk, but on a scale of low, medium, or high, I would rate the risk required for me to live the life of my dreams as high. That is my immediate response anyway. If I slow down long enough to really consider this, I must admit that the risk to live the life of my dreams at a health weight, being fit and active, is really not high. I have been telling myself that for years, and the truth is that the risk of me staying overweight, inactive, and unfit is much higher than any risk involved in improving myself and living the life of my dreams. I have been attaching "risk" to discomfort, which really isn't an equal comparison or match.
Years ago I went through a treatment program for drug addiction. I remember one of the counselors saying, "when the pain of where you are is greater than the fear of where you are going, you'll go." It took many years before I was ready to leave behind the pain of where I was in addiction and move past the fear of where I was going, which was recovery. The statement remained true though, and at some point the pain became greater than the fear and I went for it.
I don't know what it will take for the pain of where I am with my weight and physical health to be great enough to get past my fear of failing at losing weight and becoming fit and active. I don't really want to find out. I want to move and take action now, before I become diabetic or get diagnosed with a terminal illness like my parents. I can see that so clearly right now while I am typing this, and have been very clear about it in the past, yet my focus diminishes and I go back to comfort, back to what I know.
Will today be the day that the pain of where I am is greater than the risk, or the fear, of where I am going?
Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings.
Mary
First, in life are you playing to win, or simply playing not to lose? The second is how big is the reward (your dream or goal) that you are seeking? The third is what is the level of risk that is required for you to live the life of your dreams?
I have attended several Klemmer and Associates seminars in the past 6-7 months. The first one I attended is called Personal Mastery. I have gone back and staffed Personal Mastery once, and also staffed the Quickening, which is Personal Mastery concepts tied to the Bible. I also continued in this work by attending the next seminar level called Advanced Leadership Seminar, or ALS.
I have learned several things about myself and the way I think and the way I play in this game called life. I have had this misconception that in order for someone to win, someone else has to lose. I know differently today, yet often still play not to lose.
So, that is my answer to the first question in my friend's blog. I play not to lose. Even when I have played from the perspective that someone has to lose and someone has to win, I have played not to lose rather than playing to win. Playing to win is risky because I have no guarantee of winning, and I have chosen to give in to self-doubt and low self-esteem and believe that I am much more likely to lose than I am to win. Playing not to lose feels like the safest option because I can convince myself that I am trying without risking too much, but in reality, I am really losing the most by playing this way because I am not giving my all to anything. I am doing just enough to get by when I am playing not to lose.
To be brutally honest, sometimes I even play to lose! Sometimes I sabotage myself and the progress I am making towards reaching a dream or a goal to make sure I can't win. I have given this behavior quite a bit of thought and have come to the conclusion that I do this because I am afraid of succeeding and then falling back, and I lack confidence in my abilities to reach my goal so I squash my progress so I get to be right about thinking I will never succeed in reaching my goal. I also like to be comfortable and have noticed that each time I start to feel good about my progress toward reaching my goal, I start making poor choices and moving backwards. I think this is partially related to the discomfort of feeling good about my progress. Sounds silly, I know, to be uncomfortable about feeling good or proud, but it is not something I have allowed myself to feel much in my life.
The second question is how big is the reward (dream or goal) that you are seeking? The reward I have in mind is to be at a healthy weight and be fit and active. This reward is huge to me because I have not experienced being at a healthy weight since I was in kindergarten, and I only know I was then because of pictures I have seen. Getting to a healthy weight, along with getting fit and being active means feeling comfortable in my own skin, keeping up with my grandchildren, and gaining confidence and trust in myself and my abilities. This reward is so huge that it is often overwhelming and I feel paralyzed by the number of changes I need to make in my life and my habits so I don't take action at all, or I take action that will keep me stuck where I have always been.
The third question is what is the level of risk that is required for you to live the life of your dreams? I'm not sure how to rate the level of risk, but on a scale of low, medium, or high, I would rate the risk required for me to live the life of my dreams as high. That is my immediate response anyway. If I slow down long enough to really consider this, I must admit that the risk to live the life of my dreams at a health weight, being fit and active, is really not high. I have been telling myself that for years, and the truth is that the risk of me staying overweight, inactive, and unfit is much higher than any risk involved in improving myself and living the life of my dreams. I have been attaching "risk" to discomfort, which really isn't an equal comparison or match.
Years ago I went through a treatment program for drug addiction. I remember one of the counselors saying, "when the pain of where you are is greater than the fear of where you are going, you'll go." It took many years before I was ready to leave behind the pain of where I was in addiction and move past the fear of where I was going, which was recovery. The statement remained true though, and at some point the pain became greater than the fear and I went for it.
I don't know what it will take for the pain of where I am with my weight and physical health to be great enough to get past my fear of failing at losing weight and becoming fit and active. I don't really want to find out. I want to move and take action now, before I become diabetic or get diagnosed with a terminal illness like my parents. I can see that so clearly right now while I am typing this, and have been very clear about it in the past, yet my focus diminishes and I go back to comfort, back to what I know.
Will today be the day that the pain of where I am is greater than the risk, or the fear, of where I am going?
Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings.
Mary
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Stepping Forward
Months have gone by since I last wrote anything, yet I feel like I am still in the same place I have always been. I'm frustrated with myself and with staying stuck. I ask myself why am I still here? Why am I still almost the same weight, and still dealing with the exact same issues of self-loathing, poor communication with my husband, lack of confidence in my job? I ask myself these questions and the answer is always "I don't know." And then right behind that comes the thought, "Well, if you did know, what would the answer be?" I like comfort. That's part of it. I don't like to feel uncomfortable and changing lifelong habits is uncomfortable. So is staying in this body and feeling stuffed into a space that is too small to hold me. The discomfort of staying in the same place, in this same body, is familiar, making it less uncomfortable than moving forward.
Tonight on Facebook I read, "If you do not step forward, you will always be in the same place." This is me. I either do not step forward, or I do and then immediately step backwards. I don't keep my word to myself, to take care of myself and this body I have been given, to eat healthy, and to exercise regularly. I feel sad because I often feel unworthy of being taken care of, even by myself.
I went to Klemmer's Advanced Leadership Seminar just over three months ago, and met the woman I want to be. While I was there, I learned that I am a trusting, bold, and worthy woman! I believed that while I was there, and I did things I would never have believed I could do. And then I came home and have found it difficult to step into those qualities on a daily basis because doing so feels unfamiliar and uncomfortable.
Once in a while I feel confident in myself and my abilities and I remind myself of the things I did in that Redwood forest in California and I catch a glimpse of the trusting, bold, worthy woman I know I can be. I think about her and compare her to the woman I live as most days - lonely, withdrawn, and insecure. I want to say goodbye to that woman for good and step into who I am meant to be. I will say goodbye to her. I AM saying goodbye to loneliness and insecurity! I am a trusting, bold, worthy woman!! And I am worth taking care of. I make healthy food choices and I exercise regularly. I AM stepping forward!!
Tonight on Facebook I read, "If you do not step forward, you will always be in the same place." This is me. I either do not step forward, or I do and then immediately step backwards. I don't keep my word to myself, to take care of myself and this body I have been given, to eat healthy, and to exercise regularly. I feel sad because I often feel unworthy of being taken care of, even by myself.
I went to Klemmer's Advanced Leadership Seminar just over three months ago, and met the woman I want to be. While I was there, I learned that I am a trusting, bold, and worthy woman! I believed that while I was there, and I did things I would never have believed I could do. And then I came home and have found it difficult to step into those qualities on a daily basis because doing so feels unfamiliar and uncomfortable.
Once in a while I feel confident in myself and my abilities and I remind myself of the things I did in that Redwood forest in California and I catch a glimpse of the trusting, bold, worthy woman I know I can be. I think about her and compare her to the woman I live as most days - lonely, withdrawn, and insecure. I want to say goodbye to that woman for good and step into who I am meant to be. I will say goodbye to her. I AM saying goodbye to loneliness and insecurity! I am a trusting, bold, worthy woman!! And I am worth taking care of. I make healthy food choices and I exercise regularly. I AM stepping forward!!
Sunday, February 17, 2013
14 Day Cleanse
I have struggled with my weight for most of my life. I have had random periods of success with dropping some pounds, but never long lasting and often unrecognized by myself at the time. I was recently talking to a friend of mine about my pattern of binging and not sticking to healthy habits and she suggested I do two cleanses to reset my body, so to speak. Both cleanses are done together, one for 7 days and the other for 14 days. One is a liver clense and the other is a colon cleanse. One benefit is to balance the yeast in my body to help eliminate cravings for unhealthy food.
The foods I can eat during this 14 days are limited to vegetables, mostly raw, and no more than 4 ounces of protein at a time up to 3 times per day. I did figure out that I can have my Visalus shakes made with almond milk because it is not dairy so this is a big plus.
The first day I had 2 hard boiled eggs for breakfast, baby carrots for a snack, pea pods and a pouch of salmon for lunch, and a cucumber as an afternoon snack. For supper I had a boca burger with green and red peppers, green leaf lettuce, and tomato, along with steamed broccoli and carrots. Later in the evening I had 1/2 of a granny smith apple. My total calories for the day were 598.
I was worried about having so few calories because I have always heard it is unhealthy to go below 1200 calories in a day. I checked with my friend and she said that is correct in the long-term, but this is only for two weeks.
The second day I had 717 calories. I had a Vi-shape shake for breakfast, baby carrots for a morning snack, a cucumber and 4 ounces of broiled haddock for lunch, and another shake and some pea pods as an afternoon snack. For supper I had a boca burger again with green and red peppers, tomato, green leaf lettuce, broccoli and carrots.
Today is day 3 and I have had 609 calories. I did not have breakfast today. I had a boca burger with tomato, lettuce, and green and red peppers for lunch, along with a cucumber. This afternoon I gave in to old habits and my thoughts that I needed something more and I ate some pretzel crisps - 2 servings. For supper I had 3 cups of organic spring mix with red and green peppers, a 4 ounce boneless, skinless chicken breast, and some salsa.
Each day I have had at least ten glasses of water.
What I am most surprised about is how well I have been able to avoid sugar and junk food, except for the pretzel crisps this afternoon. I hope I can contine for eleven more days. I am learning that I will continue to stay stuck as long as I continue to rely on myself and what I think I know. What I have done has kept me overweight and unhealthy. I am willing to trust my friend and give this my best shot. I'm sure I cant end up worse off than where I started and I may come out way ahead.
The foods I can eat during this 14 days are limited to vegetables, mostly raw, and no more than 4 ounces of protein at a time up to 3 times per day. I did figure out that I can have my Visalus shakes made with almond milk because it is not dairy so this is a big plus.
The first day I had 2 hard boiled eggs for breakfast, baby carrots for a snack, pea pods and a pouch of salmon for lunch, and a cucumber as an afternoon snack. For supper I had a boca burger with green and red peppers, green leaf lettuce, and tomato, along with steamed broccoli and carrots. Later in the evening I had 1/2 of a granny smith apple. My total calories for the day were 598.
I was worried about having so few calories because I have always heard it is unhealthy to go below 1200 calories in a day. I checked with my friend and she said that is correct in the long-term, but this is only for two weeks.
The second day I had 717 calories. I had a Vi-shape shake for breakfast, baby carrots for a morning snack, a cucumber and 4 ounces of broiled haddock for lunch, and another shake and some pea pods as an afternoon snack. For supper I had a boca burger again with green and red peppers, tomato, green leaf lettuce, broccoli and carrots.
Today is day 3 and I have had 609 calories. I did not have breakfast today. I had a boca burger with tomato, lettuce, and green and red peppers for lunch, along with a cucumber. This afternoon I gave in to old habits and my thoughts that I needed something more and I ate some pretzel crisps - 2 servings. For supper I had 3 cups of organic spring mix with red and green peppers, a 4 ounce boneless, skinless chicken breast, and some salsa.
Each day I have had at least ten glasses of water.
What I am most surprised about is how well I have been able to avoid sugar and junk food, except for the pretzel crisps this afternoon. I hope I can contine for eleven more days. I am learning that I will continue to stay stuck as long as I continue to rely on myself and what I think I know. What I have done has kept me overweight and unhealthy. I am willing to trust my friend and give this my best shot. I'm sure I cant end up worse off than where I started and I may come out way ahead.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Tired of Being Stuck
Here am again, feeling completely uncomfortable in my own skin and knowing the only reason for my uncomfortableness is ME and my horrible habits with food. I have eaten so terribly for the past week (really for the past 40 years!) and I feel bloated and my clothes feel tight and I want to go home and hide where no one can see me. We did our morning stretches at work today and I was so self-conscious. No one was even looking at me, yet I felt like there was a spotlight shining on me to highlight how huge I look and how my fat stomach gets in the way of me trying to pull my knee to my forehead. I am embarrassed to be in public looking the way I do and feeling the way I feel. Why do these feelings go right out the window when thoughts of food enter my mind or when I am faced with food choices right in front of me?
I know I want to change and lose weight and be healthier. I want to be a good example for my children and my grandchildren. I want to be an active member of my team in the Wausau's Biggest Loser competition. I often think I must not want it bad enough because if I did, I would be doing more and making better choices. I sit in my chair at home and think about all the things I should be doing or should have done and yet, there I sit instead of getting up and taking action.
I sometimes get scared thinking about what it will take to cause me to get up and start making some serious changes. I watched a show on television last night where two overweight girls from England spent a week in Mississippi with two sisters who are both obese and eat like crazy. One of the sisters weighed over 500 pounds. That could happen to me and I don't want that. Another woman on the show has to go to dialysis three times per week because her kidneys no longer work properly because of her obesity. I don't want that either. Many family members of the two sisters had died due to diabetes and other complications related to obesity. I don't want any of that, but any of those things could happen to me if I don't start making changes.
Last night I went and joined Anytime Fitness. I wasn't sure if I wanted to join because that means working out in public in front of other people. The front wall at the location I joined is all windows and I my first thought was about how self-conscious I would feel knowing people outside could see me inside working out. Once I was inside I was able to focus on what was going on inside and didn't even pay attention to what was going on outside. I need to work on changing my thoughts. Most of the people outside are going through the drive-thru of the McDonald's next door and not paying any attention to who is working out. And as long as I am in Anytime Fitness working out instead of in the McDonald's drive-thru, I have something to be proud of because I am taking action. Last night was just a tour. Tonight I need to get past the million and one excuses already starting in my head and just go and get started doing something. I want to get on the eliptical for as long as I can and then I want to go on a treadmill for a while. Anything will be an improvement over sitting at home feeling bad about myself. I am tired of being stuck and it is time to take some action and get unstuck!
I know I want to change and lose weight and be healthier. I want to be a good example for my children and my grandchildren. I want to be an active member of my team in the Wausau's Biggest Loser competition. I often think I must not want it bad enough because if I did, I would be doing more and making better choices. I sit in my chair at home and think about all the things I should be doing or should have done and yet, there I sit instead of getting up and taking action.
I sometimes get scared thinking about what it will take to cause me to get up and start making some serious changes. I watched a show on television last night where two overweight girls from England spent a week in Mississippi with two sisters who are both obese and eat like crazy. One of the sisters weighed over 500 pounds. That could happen to me and I don't want that. Another woman on the show has to go to dialysis three times per week because her kidneys no longer work properly because of her obesity. I don't want that either. Many family members of the two sisters had died due to diabetes and other complications related to obesity. I don't want any of that, but any of those things could happen to me if I don't start making changes.
Last night I went and joined Anytime Fitness. I wasn't sure if I wanted to join because that means working out in public in front of other people. The front wall at the location I joined is all windows and I my first thought was about how self-conscious I would feel knowing people outside could see me inside working out. Once I was inside I was able to focus on what was going on inside and didn't even pay attention to what was going on outside. I need to work on changing my thoughts. Most of the people outside are going through the drive-thru of the McDonald's next door and not paying any attention to who is working out. And as long as I am in Anytime Fitness working out instead of in the McDonald's drive-thru, I have something to be proud of because I am taking action. Last night was just a tour. Tonight I need to get past the million and one excuses already starting in my head and just go and get started doing something. I want to get on the eliptical for as long as I can and then I want to go on a treadmill for a while. Anything will be an improvement over sitting at home feeling bad about myself. I am tired of being stuck and it is time to take some action and get unstuck!
Friday, June 1, 2012
Changes and Challenges
A few weeks ago my husband and I became the new "owners" of the restaurant, bar, and banquet facility where he has worked for a little more than the past year. While this is incredibly exciting and a testament to my husband's hard work, it is also very overwhelming and stressful because there is so much to learn and my natural tendency is to want to know it all right now and that just isn't possible. I feel completely out of control in so many areas and that adds to the stress I feel and I end up crying or eating, or both, and then I feel worse about myself. I feel stuck in a downward spiral and afraid of where that is leading me. I started seeing a counselor a few weeks ago because of that fear and because of feeling so worthless and incompetent lately.
For the first time in my life I talked outloud to another human being about my struggles and strange, all-consuming relationship with food. I admitted to my counselor that I have eaten to the point of feeling sick and completely uncomfortable and then made myself throw up and that I have done this off and on since I was in high school. I am ashamed of myself and the way I look and uncomfortable in my own skin and I don't want to feel this way anymore. Saying these things outloud to another person was scary, but it's also somewhat exciting because I really do want to get past this somehow and I know I can't do that by keeping it all to myself. I have done that for the past 30 years and it has gotten me nowhere but overweight, unhealthy, and unhappy.
I have always questioned whether or not I have an eating disorder and Jen confirmed that yes, I do. I have some symptoms of bulimia and many symptoms of binge eating disorder. We talked about many of the negative thoughts I have about myself, my body, my eating, etc. and decided to call those ED thoughts. Jen encouraged me to start journaling and to challenge the ED thoughts when I have them. She told me to forgive myself and be kind to myself when I binge and to remember that it is only one episode and that I am made up of much more than that. I like that idea and will work at that. I know it will take a long time because I have 30 years of negative self-talk to challenge.
Yesterday was a horrible day for me. I don't know what caused my ED thoughts to start, but they did start early in the day and I binged several times. I had my normal breakfast and then also ate a 2.5 serving bag of Cheez-its. I had to run to the bank later in the day and it is in a grocery store. I could have grabbed something healthy to eat, but instead I bought a movie theater style box of Charleston Chews and ate the entire box. I also bought two 7-serving size bags of M&Ms and ate one full bag after I returned to work. When Dan and I got home from work I ate what was left in a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips and then ate a whole pizza, followed by the other bag of M&Ms I had bought earlier. I felt sick and disgusted with myself and went to bed. This morning I woke up feeling miserable and my stomach still felt completely full from the day before. I made myself throw up, twice. My stomach felt better after that but I still felt miserable about myself, and still do.
My other obsession is weighing myself. I weigh myself first thing every morning. This morning I weighed myself 3 times before I left the house for work - once when I first got up, and then again after each time I threw up. The logical part of me knows this makes no sense whatsoever, but I still find myself on the scale several times a day. I talked to Jen about this yesterday and she asked if the number on the scale sets my mood for the day. It doesn't always set my mood for the whole day, but definitely contributes to how I feel and what my thoughts are for a while afterwards. Jen told me to try to get down to weighing myself once every other day and eventually to once per week. I told her I would try and I will. Today was a weigh-in day though for a 12-week challenge I am half-heartedly participating in so I had to get on the scale to send in my weight and then I couldn't stop myself from getting on it again. Sometimes I even move the scale to different places on the floor because it may go down by 1/2 pound or a full pound and then I feel a little better. It's a sick, irrational game I play with myself and what it really causes is anxiety and more low self-esteem. My highest weight I can remember seeing on the scale was 259 and I swore I would never see that number on the scale again. Last night I saw 255 and I told myself I am a pig. This morning after playing my 'move the scale' game I saw 250. I still feel like a pig because I gained three pounds since my weigh-in last Friday, but I am happier with 250 than I was with 255.
Today has been a little better so far because I have not binged at all. I ate what I planned to eat for breakfast and nothing more. I have my lunch and two health snacks planned for today and I think I will be able to stick to those. Dan and I will be eating at the restaurant tonight and I will do my best to make good choices there. What I really wish is that my entire day was not spent obsessing about food in one way or another. I told Jen this is exactly what it was like when I was using drugs. Every waking moment was spent using drugs or in the planning and finding ways and means to get more. I am doing the same exact thing with food. I know I was able to overcome the obsession and compulsion with drugs with the help of God, a recovery program, and other people and that gives me hope that I can do the same thing with my eating disorder. It seems much more challenging though because I can't stop eating completely like I had to do with drugs. We all have to eat and eating itself is the trigger. I'm talking about it and writing about it and that is a change and a challenge. It's a start.
For the first time in my life I talked outloud to another human being about my struggles and strange, all-consuming relationship with food. I admitted to my counselor that I have eaten to the point of feeling sick and completely uncomfortable and then made myself throw up and that I have done this off and on since I was in high school. I am ashamed of myself and the way I look and uncomfortable in my own skin and I don't want to feel this way anymore. Saying these things outloud to another person was scary, but it's also somewhat exciting because I really do want to get past this somehow and I know I can't do that by keeping it all to myself. I have done that for the past 30 years and it has gotten me nowhere but overweight, unhealthy, and unhappy.
I have always questioned whether or not I have an eating disorder and Jen confirmed that yes, I do. I have some symptoms of bulimia and many symptoms of binge eating disorder. We talked about many of the negative thoughts I have about myself, my body, my eating, etc. and decided to call those ED thoughts. Jen encouraged me to start journaling and to challenge the ED thoughts when I have them. She told me to forgive myself and be kind to myself when I binge and to remember that it is only one episode and that I am made up of much more than that. I like that idea and will work at that. I know it will take a long time because I have 30 years of negative self-talk to challenge.
Yesterday was a horrible day for me. I don't know what caused my ED thoughts to start, but they did start early in the day and I binged several times. I had my normal breakfast and then also ate a 2.5 serving bag of Cheez-its. I had to run to the bank later in the day and it is in a grocery store. I could have grabbed something healthy to eat, but instead I bought a movie theater style box of Charleston Chews and ate the entire box. I also bought two 7-serving size bags of M&Ms and ate one full bag after I returned to work. When Dan and I got home from work I ate what was left in a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips and then ate a whole pizza, followed by the other bag of M&Ms I had bought earlier. I felt sick and disgusted with myself and went to bed. This morning I woke up feeling miserable and my stomach still felt completely full from the day before. I made myself throw up, twice. My stomach felt better after that but I still felt miserable about myself, and still do.
My other obsession is weighing myself. I weigh myself first thing every morning. This morning I weighed myself 3 times before I left the house for work - once when I first got up, and then again after each time I threw up. The logical part of me knows this makes no sense whatsoever, but I still find myself on the scale several times a day. I talked to Jen about this yesterday and she asked if the number on the scale sets my mood for the day. It doesn't always set my mood for the whole day, but definitely contributes to how I feel and what my thoughts are for a while afterwards. Jen told me to try to get down to weighing myself once every other day and eventually to once per week. I told her I would try and I will. Today was a weigh-in day though for a 12-week challenge I am half-heartedly participating in so I had to get on the scale to send in my weight and then I couldn't stop myself from getting on it again. Sometimes I even move the scale to different places on the floor because it may go down by 1/2 pound or a full pound and then I feel a little better. It's a sick, irrational game I play with myself and what it really causes is anxiety and more low self-esteem. My highest weight I can remember seeing on the scale was 259 and I swore I would never see that number on the scale again. Last night I saw 255 and I told myself I am a pig. This morning after playing my 'move the scale' game I saw 250. I still feel like a pig because I gained three pounds since my weigh-in last Friday, but I am happier with 250 than I was with 255.
Today has been a little better so far because I have not binged at all. I ate what I planned to eat for breakfast and nothing more. I have my lunch and two health snacks planned for today and I think I will be able to stick to those. Dan and I will be eating at the restaurant tonight and I will do my best to make good choices there. What I really wish is that my entire day was not spent obsessing about food in one way or another. I told Jen this is exactly what it was like when I was using drugs. Every waking moment was spent using drugs or in the planning and finding ways and means to get more. I am doing the same exact thing with food. I know I was able to overcome the obsession and compulsion with drugs with the help of God, a recovery program, and other people and that gives me hope that I can do the same thing with my eating disorder. It seems much more challenging though because I can't stop eating completely like I had to do with drugs. We all have to eat and eating itself is the trigger. I'm talking about it and writing about it and that is a change and a challenge. It's a start.
Challenging ED
From May 23rd:
I am sitting here at work thinking that something is seriously wrong with me because I am thinking about when I should have the snack I planned for this afternoon (100 cal. bag of popcorn) and what Dan and I should do for dinner since we have to work late - all the while with this horrible pressure in my stomach that has been there most of the day again. Jen (my new counselor) gave me some questions to consider when I have thoughts of bingeing or of compulsive eating so I wrote them down on a small paper that I can carry with me all the time.
1. What am I feeling? I guess I feel sad and frustrated because my whole day, my whole life, seems to be planned around food - what I am going to eat, when I am going to eat, how much I am going to eat, if I am going to eat with someone else or in secret, etc.
2. What do I need right now? My first thought is that what I need right now is to get back to work and focus on my job instead of on food and on how fat my arms look in the shirt I am wearing today (one that I will likely never wear again because the sleeves are too short for my fat arms). I also feel a need to cover up and get out of this shirt because I keep thinking that other people are commenting about it to each other because I have heard them do the same thing in the past about another employee. I also need some self-acceptance of where I'm at on this journey to get healthier, mentally and physically, and to work on replacing some of these Ed thoughts with positive, healthy thoughts.
3. How can I get that need met, or is it possible to get that need met? Changing my thought patterns will not happen overnight and I can be realistic about that, even though I would love for everything to be different RIGHT NOW! I can meet my need to get back to work and focus on my job by working on one task at a time and doing what is right in front of me instead of watching the clock and counting down the minutes until I can change clothes.
4. What can I do instead? I have an hour and 40 minutes left of work and I'm hoping that typing this journal entry will help me re-focus my thoughts on work and getting done what I need to get done today. As soon as I am done at this job I am headed to the restaurant and am going to change into the clothes I ran home to get during my lunch break. I can also look at my day and know that although food has been on my mind all day, I have made healthy food choices and have not binged or eaten compulsively so far.
I am sitting here at work thinking that something is seriously wrong with me because I am thinking about when I should have the snack I planned for this afternoon (100 cal. bag of popcorn) and what Dan and I should do for dinner since we have to work late - all the while with this horrible pressure in my stomach that has been there most of the day again. Jen (my new counselor) gave me some questions to consider when I have thoughts of bingeing or of compulsive eating so I wrote them down on a small paper that I can carry with me all the time.
1. What am I feeling? I guess I feel sad and frustrated because my whole day, my whole life, seems to be planned around food - what I am going to eat, when I am going to eat, how much I am going to eat, if I am going to eat with someone else or in secret, etc.
2. What do I need right now? My first thought is that what I need right now is to get back to work and focus on my job instead of on food and on how fat my arms look in the shirt I am wearing today (one that I will likely never wear again because the sleeves are too short for my fat arms). I also feel a need to cover up and get out of this shirt because I keep thinking that other people are commenting about it to each other because I have heard them do the same thing in the past about another employee. I also need some self-acceptance of where I'm at on this journey to get healthier, mentally and physically, and to work on replacing some of these Ed thoughts with positive, healthy thoughts.
3. How can I get that need met, or is it possible to get that need met? Changing my thought patterns will not happen overnight and I can be realistic about that, even though I would love for everything to be different RIGHT NOW! I can meet my need to get back to work and focus on my job by working on one task at a time and doing what is right in front of me instead of watching the clock and counting down the minutes until I can change clothes.
4. What can I do instead? I have an hour and 40 minutes left of work and I'm hoping that typing this journal entry will help me re-focus my thoughts on work and getting done what I need to get done today. As soon as I am done at this job I am headed to the restaurant and am going to change into the clothes I ran home to get during my lunch break. I can also look at my day and know that although food has been on my mind all day, I have made healthy food choices and have not binged or eaten compulsively so far.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
One Day in Heaven
I watched a Beth Moore video recently on YouTube that really made me stop and think. Beth talked about knowing some missionaries who were involved in an accident. For the purpose of re-telling this story (because I can't recall the actual names Beth mentioned) I will call these missionaries Amy and Jenny. Amy died and Jenny was in a coma. When Jenny came to she asked almost immediately, "What about Amy? Did she make it?" Beth said at that very moment Amy was in Heaven with a host of angels gathered all around saying "What about Jenny? Did she make it?" What a powerful visual!! Can't you just picture loved ones in Heaven just waiting for us to get there to spend eternity with them? I can! I have such a longing sometimes that it is a physical ache in my soul and in my body. The more I learn through Bible study and church, the closer I long to be to God and the deeper this longing grows. I have always known that Jesus died for you, to save you. I am starting to believe that Jesus also died for ME! I have never felt worthy of forgiveness or redemption and in all reality, I am not. But Jesus loves me. I have to say that again - Jesus loves ME. And He died for ME. In all my unworthiness and all my sin and shame, he became man and faced the same temptations I face and beat them all. He knew me and chose me before I was ever formed in my Mother's womb and called me to be his own. It is more than I can comprehend, yet I know that it is true. And one day the angels in Heaven will be gathered all around and will say, "What about Mary? Did she make it?"
Changes
Change is so hard, but also so necessary for us to keep moving forward. It is hard to hear the difficult changes my daughters are experiencing and even more difficult to have no control over any of it. I hear them talk about their struggles and I automatically want to fix everything and win the fight for them, but then I have to remind myself that it is not my fight to win. My role is to listen and cheer them on. I can share my experience and what I have learned in through my own fights, but I cannot take over the battle for them. Making it through the fight loses significance when we don't have to work for it. Sometimes it seems as if they are looking to me for answers and I feel afraid that I will give them the wrong answer. Sometimes I feel panicked that I won't have any answer at all. In the end, what I hope they learn from me is that the best we can do every day is to do the next right thing, one decision at a time, one day at a time. There will be bumps and potholes in the road along the way sometimes and other times will feel like open road with no obstacles. If we manage the open road well then the bumps won't seem so big and the potholes won't seem so deep.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Staying on Track
Losing weight is so simple, but it is so hard! I know that sounds contradictory but it really isn't. The concept of losing weight is simple - burn more calories than you take in and you will lose weight. The process of doing this and breaking lifelong habits that have contributed to me being overweight are what are so hard. I was stuck in the 250s for quite a while and then I started going in the right direction again and got down to about 243 before getting stuck again. I stayed there for a long time, playing tug-o-war with the same five pounds. Then I found the Crown Dynasty Fitness Team on Facebook and that was the motivation I needed to get past 243 and down to 237. I was then introduced to ViSalus and the Body by Vi 90 Day Challenge. I started drinking the ViSalus shakes twice a day and got down to 226 and was feeling great about that. I stopped exercising though and gradually started letting one old habit after another back in. It didn't take long for those old carb and sugar cravings to start right back up once I let those foods cross my lips. I get so mad at myself for going backwards after feeling so good inside about making positive changes. I'm trying to look deeper this time and figure out why I make the choices I make. I'm learning that I eat for comfort and to make myself feel better when I feel lonely, sad, afraid, overwhelmed, and even happy. It's like I have a hole inside created by emotions that are uncomfortable to feel and I try to fill the hole with food. The result is feelings of shame, embarrassment, fear that someone will see how much I eat in private. I lie to myself and pretend I don't eat as much as I do but I am not fooling anyone. The proof is not only visible through the number on the scale, it is evident in the way I feel about myself. A couple of weeks ago I felt really good about myself because the number on the scale was going down. I want that number to keep going down, but I don't want my sense of self-worth to be tied only to that number. I am hoping that writing this blog will help me identify patterns in my thoughts and in my behaviors so I know where to direct my efforts. Today I am committing to the following:
- Track everything I eat and drink every day
- Exercise at least 30 minutes, 3 times per week
- Blog at least 4 times per week
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Longing
Today I feel far from acceptance in many ways. I have a longing for many things and for many people. I have been missing my Grandma and my Dad a lot lately and think about them so often. I long for the days when they were still here and I long for the day when I can be where they now are. I long to go to Janesville and see my daughters and my grandchildren. I long for regular physical affection from my husband. I wish we hugged more and even more than that, I wish we snuggled more - or even at all! I wish we could sleep in the same room, cuddled close to each other with his arm around me, instead of one of us in our bedroom and one of us on the couch because of his snoring. I wish I could lose weight better and faster and keep it off. I long to feel healthy and comfortable in my own body. I long to be closer to God and to better follow his will for my life. I long to see all of my children and my grandchildren have a personal relationship with God and to know that we will all spend eternity together. And I long to be the woman God wants me to be.
Poem
I'm reading a book by Debbie Macomber called One Simple Act. She has a poem in the book that was written by pastor and poet Henry van Dyke (1852 - 1933):
Gone From My Sight
I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white
sails to the morning breeze and starts
for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until at length
she hangs like a speck of white cloud
just where the sea and sky come
to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says;
"There, she is gone!"
"Gone where?"
Gone from my sight. That is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull
and spar as she was when she left my side
and she is just as able to bear her
load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminshed size is in me, not in her.
And just at the moment when someone
at my side says: "There, she is gone!"
there are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout;
"Here she comes!"
And that is dying.
Gone From My Sight
I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white
sails to the morning breeze and starts
for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until at length
she hangs like a speck of white cloud
just where the sea and sky come
to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says;
"There, she is gone!"
"Gone where?"
Gone from my sight. That is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull
and spar as she was when she left my side
and she is just as able to bear her
load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminshed size is in me, not in her.
And just at the moment when someone
at my side says: "There, she is gone!"
there are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout;
"Here she comes!"
And that is dying.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Yesterday
Dan and I went to Eau Claire yesterday and had a great day, even though it was hard too. I saw my Mom for the first time since learning of her PF diagnosis and just what that means. I was afraid that I would lose it and just fall apart when I saw her but I didn't. A group of us met at Olive Garden in Eau Claire for lunch - Dan and I, my Mom and Allen, Mary B. with Bronwyn and Gabriel, and Dave B. with Aja and one of her friends. Dan and I got there first and sat in the lobby waiting for everyone else to arrive. I noticed my Mom's car driving past the door and knew Allen had just let my Mom out so Dan and I stood up and Dan opened the door for my Mom. We hugged and I got choked up. She asked what was wrong and I told her I was fine. She said she needed to sit down and I couldn't help thinking that she had only walked from the car outside the front door to the lobby inside and needed to sit already and the worry started again. I had prayed a good part of the time driving to Eau Claire from Wausa that God would give me strength to not fall apart and to enjoy the time with my Mom and I know He was right there with us.
We sat and talked for a little bit while we waited for everyone else to arrive. My Mom told me that she had a call just before she left home and my uncle Edgar had had a heart attack. My aunt Myrna had called and told Allen and my Mom was feeling bad because she had asked Allen to tell Myrna she would call her back later in the day, but she didn't know about the heart attach when she asked that. Myrna told Allen that was fine because she wanted to talk to my Mom for a long time. They are sisters and so close and I am so glad they have each other to confide in and lean on.
We ended up being seated at the same table we were at just about a year ago for Mother's Day. What a special day that was. All three of my sisters and I were there with my Mom, my two daughters and my grandchildren were there with me, and Mary B. (my Godmother) and Emily(my cousin) joined us and we had such a nice time.
I sat next to my Mom during our lunch and we all just visited and had fun enjoying each other's company. After lunch my Mom mentioned that she will be going to see an ear, nose, and throat specialist soon and is hopeful the ENT will be able to figure out what is going on with her sinuses and with her left tonsil. She said her sinuses bother her all the time and her left tonsil has been making itself known and causing her to wake up in the middle of the night and to cough when it gets irritated, which is most of the time. I asked her when she sees her lung doctor again and she said she had just seen him on Friday and he reiterated what the doctor at Mayo Clinic had told her.
When it was time to leave we ended up standing in the lobby again for a little bit and I just realized she didn't have to sit down that time. We gave each other a hug and I told her I lover her. She said she loves me too and I got choked up again and this time she realized it was because of what is going on with her and she told me not to worry. I told her that is much easier to say than to do. She told me she has pretty much accepted it all and I told her I need to be able to talk about it to get to that point but I don't know what is okay to talk about and what isn't or who is okay to talk to and who isn't. I told her I hadn't even talked to my sisters at all because I didn't know if that is okay or not or what they know. She told me it was all okay to talk about and asked if that helps. It helps more than I can even express. She said she thinks she talks about it too much and would have talked about it more but didn't want our whole lunch to be about that. I confessed that I had told Mary B. earlier in the week and my Mom said that was okay. She is not trying to keep it a secret from anyone.
We left Olive Garden to go to my cousin Emily's house and I cried. I cry every day and feel bad about that because I think it must mean that I am not trusting God. I do trust Him and pray often and am trying to get a handle on my emotions and get to a place of acceptance, but I'm just not sure how to do that. When my Dad was diagnosed with cancer I escaped in drugs. I'm not doing that this time. I know today that the only way to get over it is to go through it. I still want to escape because that is what comes naturally to me, but drugs are not the answer today. It took a long time for me to work through the shame and guilt of turning to drugs to cope with my Dad dying and I don't want to do that again. Truthfully, I don't know if I would survive another run with drugs and don't want to find out. I want to be fully present, even with the emotional pain and the sadness. Today I am trying to find health ways to escape - by turning to God and trusting Him, using my God box, walking to relieve some of the anxiety and stress, and going to meetings. Even if I only make it to my Tuesday night NA meeting, I know it is a safe place to share what I am thinking and feeling and that the people there care about me. Staying in today and taking things one moment at a time is something I struggle with, but I keep trying. Right now it is time to wipe all the tears off my face and go get cleaned up and dressed to go to Bible study and church.
We sat and talked for a little bit while we waited for everyone else to arrive. My Mom told me that she had a call just before she left home and my uncle Edgar had had a heart attack. My aunt Myrna had called and told Allen and my Mom was feeling bad because she had asked Allen to tell Myrna she would call her back later in the day, but she didn't know about the heart attach when she asked that. Myrna told Allen that was fine because she wanted to talk to my Mom for a long time. They are sisters and so close and I am so glad they have each other to confide in and lean on.
We ended up being seated at the same table we were at just about a year ago for Mother's Day. What a special day that was. All three of my sisters and I were there with my Mom, my two daughters and my grandchildren were there with me, and Mary B. (my Godmother) and Emily(my cousin) joined us and we had such a nice time.
I sat next to my Mom during our lunch and we all just visited and had fun enjoying each other's company. After lunch my Mom mentioned that she will be going to see an ear, nose, and throat specialist soon and is hopeful the ENT will be able to figure out what is going on with her sinuses and with her left tonsil. She said her sinuses bother her all the time and her left tonsil has been making itself known and causing her to wake up in the middle of the night and to cough when it gets irritated, which is most of the time. I asked her when she sees her lung doctor again and she said she had just seen him on Friday and he reiterated what the doctor at Mayo Clinic had told her.
When it was time to leave we ended up standing in the lobby again for a little bit and I just realized she didn't have to sit down that time. We gave each other a hug and I told her I lover her. She said she loves me too and I got choked up again and this time she realized it was because of what is going on with her and she told me not to worry. I told her that is much easier to say than to do. She told me she has pretty much accepted it all and I told her I need to be able to talk about it to get to that point but I don't know what is okay to talk about and what isn't or who is okay to talk to and who isn't. I told her I hadn't even talked to my sisters at all because I didn't know if that is okay or not or what they know. She told me it was all okay to talk about and asked if that helps. It helps more than I can even express. She said she thinks she talks about it too much and would have talked about it more but didn't want our whole lunch to be about that. I confessed that I had told Mary B. earlier in the week and my Mom said that was okay. She is not trying to keep it a secret from anyone.
We left Olive Garden to go to my cousin Emily's house and I cried. I cry every day and feel bad about that because I think it must mean that I am not trusting God. I do trust Him and pray often and am trying to get a handle on my emotions and get to a place of acceptance, but I'm just not sure how to do that. When my Dad was diagnosed with cancer I escaped in drugs. I'm not doing that this time. I know today that the only way to get over it is to go through it. I still want to escape because that is what comes naturally to me, but drugs are not the answer today. It took a long time for me to work through the shame and guilt of turning to drugs to cope with my Dad dying and I don't want to do that again. Truthfully, I don't know if I would survive another run with drugs and don't want to find out. I want to be fully present, even with the emotional pain and the sadness. Today I am trying to find health ways to escape - by turning to God and trusting Him, using my God box, walking to relieve some of the anxiety and stress, and going to meetings. Even if I only make it to my Tuesday night NA meeting, I know it is a safe place to share what I am thinking and feeling and that the people there care about me. Staying in today and taking things one moment at a time is something I struggle with, but I keep trying. Right now it is time to wipe all the tears off my face and go get cleaned up and dressed to go to Bible study and church.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Searching for Acceptance
Three years ago my Mom was diagnosed with Interstitial Lung Disease and she was recently diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis. Three years ago those words didn't mean anything to me because I didn't know anything about them and I was not yet working in the health care field. Today I do work in health care and regularly see those diagnoses on prescriptions for hospice patients and am scared and saddened to know this diagnosis is now connected to my Mom. I have always said I don't believe in coincidences and I don't think it is a coincidence that I work for a durable medical equipment provider and am familiar enough with oxygen equipment that I can teach someone else how to use it and troubleshoot problems. I know the day will come when my Mom will need oxygen.
I think I have cried every day since finding out her diagnosis. Most days I have this feeling in my gut of impending doom. I haven't carried that feeling around like a security blanket since I was a using addict who thrived on chaos. I am afraid, sad, angry, and hurt . . . and I am not the one who was diagnosed with PF. I feel selfish thinking about how much I already feel affected by this disease, yet I know a diagnosis like this affects not only the person with the disease, but family and friends who love that person as well. I think part of being an addict involves being somewhat obsessive/compulsive and I know that is certainly true for me. I don't like the unknown and while I can accept that there are things I will never know, I do make an effort to learn about things I can and that take up too much room in my head - like pulmonary fibrosis. Here is some of what I have learned so far:
A Snapshot of the Disease
I don't want to focus on the fact that my Mom is going to die because if I do, I will miss out on the time that she still has left to live. I try not to give PF too much space in my head but it has made itself comfortable there and eviction is proving itself to be impossible. I pray a lot, although nowhere near as much as I think I should be, for God to direct my thoughts and to strengthen my trust in Him. This all feels so unfair, especially since I lost my Dad seven years ago, but I know God sees the whole picture and I only see a small part.
I wish my Mom would talk more about all this and about what she is thinking and feeling. I wish she would say that it is okay for me to talk about it. I have three sisters and don't even know if they understand what this diagnosis means or if it is okay to even ask them.
Dan and I are going to Eau Claire on Saturday because my cousin in town from Missouri and I really want to see her. Even more than that I really want to see my Mom and we will be getting together with her for lunch. I just hope I can hold it together, stay in the moment, and focus on the time we will have together and enjoy it. I don't want to fall apart and I know if I put this all in God's hands He will give me the strength to hold it together.
I think I have cried every day since finding out her diagnosis. Most days I have this feeling in my gut of impending doom. I haven't carried that feeling around like a security blanket since I was a using addict who thrived on chaos. I am afraid, sad, angry, and hurt . . . and I am not the one who was diagnosed with PF. I feel selfish thinking about how much I already feel affected by this disease, yet I know a diagnosis like this affects not only the person with the disease, but family and friends who love that person as well. I think part of being an addict involves being somewhat obsessive/compulsive and I know that is certainly true for me. I don't like the unknown and while I can accept that there are things I will never know, I do make an effort to learn about things I can and that take up too much room in my head - like pulmonary fibrosis. Here is some of what I have learned so far:
A Snapshot of the Disease
- The disease affects 200,000 Americans; alarmingly prevalence has increased as much as 150% percent since 2001
- The median survival rate is only 2 to 3 years, and more than 2/3 of patients will die within 5 years
- There is no FDA-approved treatment or cure for IPF
- An estimated 40,000 people die each year from IPF – one every 13 minutes (the same number that die annually from breast cancer)
- An estimated 48,000 new cases are diagnosed each year
- IPF can affect anyone, but the disease tends to affect men more than women; the mean age at the time of diagnosis is 60-70 but can occur at any age
- IPF is 5 to 6 times more common than cystic fibrosis, yet it remains virtually unknown to the public, many policymakers, and even some physicians
I don't want to focus on the fact that my Mom is going to die because if I do, I will miss out on the time that she still has left to live. I try not to give PF too much space in my head but it has made itself comfortable there and eviction is proving itself to be impossible. I pray a lot, although nowhere near as much as I think I should be, for God to direct my thoughts and to strengthen my trust in Him. This all feels so unfair, especially since I lost my Dad seven years ago, but I know God sees the whole picture and I only see a small part.
I wish my Mom would talk more about all this and about what she is thinking and feeling. I wish she would say that it is okay for me to talk about it. I have three sisters and don't even know if they understand what this diagnosis means or if it is okay to even ask them.
Dan and I are going to Eau Claire on Saturday because my cousin in town from Missouri and I really want to see her. Even more than that I really want to see my Mom and we will be getting together with her for lunch. I just hope I can hold it together, stay in the moment, and focus on the time we will have together and enjoy it. I don't want to fall apart and I know if I put this all in God's hands He will give me the strength to hold it together.
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