Not Giving Up the Goal

So, a few weeks ago I set a 90-day goal to improve communication with my husband. I came up with three action steps to complete that would help me in reaching my goal. The first action step was to tell my husband about my goal. I did that, and he laughed. My response was the same as it always is when I feel hurt or frustrated with the way we communicate - I shut down and stop talking to him altogether.

The next morning I told him I was going to change my goal because it obviously must be a silly goal if it made him laugh. He said he wasn't laughing at me or my goal. And then he just stopped talking. I waited a few minutes to see if he was going to say anything more and he didn't, so I asked him why he did laugh. His response was that he laughed because my goal is to improve communication with him and he is the one who upsets me all the time and then I quit talking to him.

I explained to him that my goal was not about changing him, but instead was about changing me and the way I respond to him when we are not communicating well, which is most of the time.

What I really want is to be able to talk to my husband about anything, without him trying to fix me or laughing at me or cutting me off mid-sentence without ever really hearing what I am saying. I want this, yet when my husband laughs, or talks over me, or starts trying to fix me, I shut down and quit talking to him at all and get more of what don't want - loneliness and distance between us, even when we are sitting two feet from each other.

Don't get me wrong here, my husband is a great guy. In all fairness, I must say that I am aware that his laughter is often just his way of reacting when he isn't sure what to say. I know he isn't really laughing at me, but it feels like it at the time. I know he wants to solve whatever problem I may have and that is why he tries to fix the situation or offer solutions, not because he thinks I need fixing. That is just my interpretation. The part I find the most challenging is when he cuts me off when I am in the middle of a sentence. He tells me that he thinks I am finished with what I am saying, and that just reinforces my belief that he is really not listening to me at all. My goal really is not about changing him. It is about changing me and the way I respond to him. Maybe that will lead to him changing too, and maybe not. Either way is okay with me. I am more interested in changing me and the way I respond. I deserve to be heard and what I have to say matters.

On our way home from work tonight we were talking about what we were going to have for supper. We had decided on salad and my husband asked if we had salad dressing at home. I started to answer, "we have cranberry walnut, ranch, etc.," and only got as far as "we have" and he said, "ok." I quit talking and he asked what I was going to say. I told him to forget it because he already responded before I could even finish my sentence. He once again told me he thought I was done. After "we have?" Does that even come close to sounding like a complete sentence?

It has taken me the past 3 1/2 hours, and typing this post, to talk myself out of giving up this goal. I had my mind made up that reaching this goal is too hard and I will never make it because he will continue to cut me off and not listen to me. What I realize now is that my focus had shifted to him needing to change instead of me.

Why is it so hard to stay focused and keep my goals in my head when the going gets tough? I think it comes back to the importance of our words and the desire to be right. I have commented that my husband and I communicate poorly more times than I can begin to count. If we continue to communicate poorly, then I get to be right. Tonight I realized that I would rather be happy and feel close to my husband. It is time to change my words - those I write, those I think, and those I speak to others and to myself.

My husband and I love each other and care about each other's thoughts and feelings. We laugh together and listen to each other without judgment and with confidence that we are each capable of solving our own problems and asking for help when we need it. These are my new words and I am not giving up the goal of communicating better with my husband.

Feel free to remind me of that and hold me accountable if I start pointing fingers anywhere but at me!