How I Play

I was reading a friend's first blog post tonight and it ended with the three questions below.

First, in life are you playing to win, or simply playing not to lose?  The second is how big is the reward (your dream or goal) that you are seeking?  The third is what is the level of risk that is required for you to live the life of your dreams?

I have attended several Klemmer and Associates seminars in the past 6-7 months. The first one I attended is called Personal Mastery. I have gone back and staffed Personal Mastery once, and also staffed the Quickening, which is Personal Mastery concepts tied to the Bible. I also continued in this work by attending the next seminar level called Advanced Leadership Seminar, or ALS.

I have learned several things about myself and the way I think and the way I play in this game called life. I have had this misconception that in order for someone to win, someone else has to lose. I know differently today, yet often still play not to lose.

So, that is my answer to the first question in my friend's blog. I play not to lose. Even when I have played from the perspective that someone has to lose and someone has to win, I have played not to lose rather than playing to win. Playing to win is risky because I have no guarantee of winning, and I have chosen to give in to self-doubt and low self-esteem and believe that I am much more likely to lose than I am to win. Playing not to lose feels like the safest option because I can convince myself that I am trying without risking too much, but in reality, I am really losing the most by playing this way because I am not giving my all to anything. I am doing just enough to get by when I am playing not to lose.

To be brutally honest, sometimes I even play to lose! Sometimes I sabotage myself and the progress I am making towards reaching a dream or a goal to make sure I can't win. I have given this behavior quite a bit of thought and have come to the conclusion that I do this because I am afraid of succeeding and then falling back, and I lack confidence in my abilities to reach my goal so I squash my progress so I get to be right about thinking I will never succeed in reaching my goal. I also like to be comfortable and have noticed that each time I start to feel good about my progress toward reaching my goal, I start making poor choices and moving backwards. I think this is partially related to the discomfort of feeling good about my progress. Sounds silly, I know, to be uncomfortable about feeling good or proud, but it is not something I have allowed myself to feel much in my life.

The second question is how big is the reward (dream or goal) that you are seeking? The reward I have in mind is to be at a healthy weight and be fit and active. This reward is huge to me because I have not experienced being at a healthy weight since I was in kindergarten, and I only know I was then because of pictures I have seen. Getting to a healthy weight, along with getting fit and being active means feeling comfortable in my own skin, keeping up with my grandchildren, and gaining confidence and trust in myself and my abilities. This reward is so huge that it is often overwhelming and I feel paralyzed by the number of changes I need to make in my life and my habits so I don't take action at all, or I take action that will keep me stuck where I have always been.

The third question is what is the level of risk that is required for you to live the life of your dreams? I'm not sure how to rate the level of risk, but on a scale of low, medium, or high, I would rate the risk required for me to live the life of my dreams as high. That is my immediate response anyway. If I slow down long enough to really consider this, I must admit that the risk to live the life of my dreams at a health weight, being fit and active, is really not high. I have been telling myself that for years, and the truth is that the risk of me staying overweight, inactive, and unfit is much higher than any risk involved in improving myself and living the life of my dreams. I have been attaching "risk" to discomfort, which really isn't an equal comparison or match.

Years ago I went through a treatment program for drug addiction. I remember one of the counselors saying, "when the pain of where you are is greater than the fear of where you are going, you'll go." It took many years before I was ready to leave behind the pain of where I was in addiction and move past the fear of where I was going, which was recovery. The statement remained true though, and at some point the pain became greater than the fear and I went for it.

I don't know what it will take for the pain of where I am with my weight and physical health to be great enough to get past my fear of failing at losing weight and becoming fit and active. I don't really want to find out. I want to move and take action now, before I become diabetic or get diagnosed with a terminal illness like my parents. I can see that so clearly right now while I am typing this, and have been very clear about it in the past, yet my focus diminishes and I go back to comfort, back to what I know.

Will today be the day that the pain of where I am is greater than the risk, or the fear, of where I am going?

Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings.

Mary