Stepping Forward

Months have gone by since I last wrote anything, yet I feel like I am still in the same place I have always been. I'm frustrated with myself and with staying stuck. I ask myself why am I still here? Why am I still almost the same weight, and still dealing with the exact same issues of self-loathing, poor communication with my husband, lack of confidence in my job? I ask myself these questions and the answer is always "I don't know." And then right behind that comes the thought, "Well, if you did know, what would the answer be?" I like comfort. That's part of it. I don't like to feel uncomfortable and changing lifelong habits is uncomfortable. So is staying in this body and feeling stuffed into a space that is too small to hold me. The discomfort of staying in the same place, in this same body, is familiar, making it less uncomfortable than moving forward.

Tonight on Facebook I read, "If you do not step forward, you will always be in the same place." This is me. I either do not step forward, or I do and then immediately step backwards. I don't keep my word to myself, to take care of myself and this body I have been given, to eat healthy, and to exercise regularly. I feel sad because I often feel unworthy of being taken care of, even by myself.

I went to Klemmer's Advanced Leadership Seminar just over three months ago, and met the woman I want to be. While I was there, I learned that I am a trusting, bold, and worthy woman! I believed that while I was there, and I did things I would never have believed I could do. And then I came home and have found it difficult to step into those qualities on a daily basis because doing so feels unfamiliar and uncomfortable.

Once in a while I feel confident in myself and my abilities and I remind myself of the things I did in that Redwood forest in California and I catch a glimpse of the trusting, bold, worthy woman I know I can be. I think about her and compare her to the woman I live as most days - lonely, withdrawn, and insecure. I want to say goodbye to that woman for good and step into who I am meant to be. I will say goodbye to her. I AM saying goodbye to loneliness and insecurity! I am a trusting, bold, worthy woman!! And I am worth taking care of. I make healthy food choices and I exercise regularly. I AM stepping forward!!