A few weeks ago my husband and I became the new "owners" of the restaurant, bar, and banquet facility where he has worked for a little more than the past year. While this is incredibly exciting and a testament to my husband's hard work, it is also very overwhelming and stressful because there is so much to learn and my natural tendency is to want to know it all right now and that just isn't possible. I feel completely out of control in so many areas and that adds to the stress I feel and I end up crying or eating, or both, and then I feel worse about myself. I feel stuck in a downward spiral and afraid of where that is leading me. I started seeing a counselor a few weeks ago because of that fear and because of feeling so worthless and incompetent lately.
For the first time in my life I talked outloud to another human being about my struggles and strange, all-consuming relationship with food. I admitted to my counselor that I have eaten to the point of feeling sick and completely uncomfortable and then made myself throw up and that I have done this off and on since I was in high school. I am ashamed of myself and the way I look and uncomfortable in my own skin and I don't want to feel this way anymore. Saying these things outloud to another person was scary, but it's also somewhat exciting because I really do want to get past this somehow and I know I can't do that by keeping it all to myself. I have done that for the past 30 years and it has gotten me nowhere but overweight, unhealthy, and unhappy.
I have always questioned whether or not I have an eating disorder and Jen confirmed that yes, I do. I have some symptoms of bulimia and many symptoms of binge eating disorder. We talked about many of the negative thoughts I have about myself, my body, my eating, etc. and decided to call those ED thoughts. Jen encouraged me to start journaling and to challenge the ED thoughts when I have them. She told me to forgive myself and be kind to myself when I binge and to remember that it is only one episode and that I am made up of much more than that. I like that idea and will work at that. I know it will take a long time because I have 30 years of negative self-talk to challenge.
Yesterday was a horrible day for me. I don't know what caused my ED thoughts to start, but they did start early in the day and I binged several times. I had my normal breakfast and then also ate a 2.5 serving bag of Cheez-its. I had to run to the bank later in the day and it is in a grocery store. I could have grabbed something healthy to eat, but instead I bought a movie theater style box of Charleston Chews and ate the entire box. I also bought two 7-serving size bags of M&Ms and ate one full bag after I returned to work. When Dan and I got home from work I ate what was left in a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips and then ate a whole pizza, followed by the other bag of M&Ms I had bought earlier. I felt sick and disgusted with myself and went to bed. This morning I woke up feeling miserable and my stomach still felt completely full from the day before. I made myself throw up, twice. My stomach felt better after that but I still felt miserable about myself, and still do.
My other obsession is weighing myself. I weigh myself first thing every morning. This morning I weighed myself 3 times before I left the house for work - once when I first got up, and then again after each time I threw up. The logical part of me knows this makes no sense whatsoever, but I still find myself on the scale several times a day. I talked to Jen about this yesterday and she asked if the number on the scale sets my mood for the day. It doesn't always set my mood for the whole day, but definitely contributes to how I feel and what my thoughts are for a while afterwards. Jen told me to try to get down to weighing myself once every other day and eventually to once per week. I told her I would try and I will. Today was a weigh-in day though for a 12-week challenge I am half-heartedly participating in so I had to get on the scale to send in my weight and then I couldn't stop myself from getting on it again. Sometimes I even move the scale to different places on the floor because it may go down by 1/2 pound or a full pound and then I feel a little better. It's a sick, irrational game I play with myself and what it really causes is anxiety and more low self-esteem. My highest weight I can remember seeing on the scale was 259 and I swore I would never see that number on the scale again. Last night I saw 255 and I told myself I am a pig. This morning after playing my 'move the scale' game I saw 250. I still feel like a pig because I gained three pounds since my weigh-in last Friday, but I am happier with 250 than I was with 255.
Today has been a little better so far because I have not binged at all. I ate what I planned to eat for breakfast and nothing more. I have my lunch and two health snacks planned for today and I think I will be able to stick to those. Dan and I will be eating at the restaurant tonight and I will do my best to make good choices there. What I really wish is that my entire day was not spent obsessing about food in one way or another. I told Jen this is exactly what it was like when I was using drugs. Every waking moment was spent using drugs or in the planning and finding ways and means to get more. I am doing the same exact thing with food. I know I was able to overcome the obsession and compulsion with drugs with the help of God, a recovery program, and other people and that gives me hope that I can do the same thing with my eating disorder. It seems much more challenging though because I can't stop eating completely like I had to do with drugs. We all have to eat and eating itself is the trigger. I'm talking about it and writing about it and that is a change and a challenge. It's a start.
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