Challenging ED

From May 23rd:

I am sitting here at work thinking that something is seriously wrong with me because I am thinking about when I should have the snack I planned for this afternoon (100 cal. bag of popcorn) and what Dan and I should do for dinner since we have to work late - all the while with this horrible pressure in my stomach that has been there most of the day again. Jen (my new counselor) gave me some questions to consider when I have thoughts of bingeing or of compulsive eating so I wrote them down on a small paper that I can carry with me all the time.

1. What am I feeling? I guess I feel sad and frustrated because my whole day, my whole life, seems to be planned around food - what I am going to eat, when I am going to eat, how much I am going to eat, if I am going to eat with someone else or in secret, etc.

2. What do I need right now? My first thought is that what I need right now is to get back to work and focus on my job instead of on food and on how fat my arms look in the shirt I am wearing today (one that I will likely never wear again because the sleeves are too short for my fat arms).  I also feel a need to cover up and get out of this shirt because I keep thinking that other people are commenting about it to each other because I have heard them do the same thing in the past about another employee. I also need some self-acceptance of where I'm at on this journey to get healthier, mentally and physically, and to work on replacing some of these Ed thoughts with positive, healthy thoughts.

3. How can I get that need met, or is it possible to get that need met? Changing my thought patterns will not happen overnight and I can be realistic about that, even though I would love for everything to be different RIGHT NOW! I can meet my need to get back to work and focus on my job by working on one task at a time and doing what is right in front of me instead of watching the clock and counting down the minutes until I can change clothes.

4. What can I do instead? I have an hour and 40 minutes left of work and I'm hoping that typing this journal entry will help me re-focus my thoughts on work and getting done what I need to get done today. As soon as I am done at this job I am headed to the restaurant and am going to change into the clothes I ran home to get during my lunch break. I can also look at my day and know that although food has been on my mind all day, I have made healthy food choices and have not binged or eaten compulsively so far.