I've been thinking a lot lately about the results I am creating, or failing to create in my life. I have been trying to look at the facts and the stories I have created around those facts. I attach meanings (stories) to events or facts and then continue to run those stories by looking for the same events so I can be right. My biggest or strongest example of this right now is related to my weight. The fact is that I am overweight. The meaning I attach to that is that I will always be overweight and because of that, I am a failure and always will be. In order to be right about this, I overeat every time I have some success at releasing weight and gain back every pound I released, and usually more. If I dig a little deeper I find that the real reason I do this is because it is a way to punish myself for thinking I deserve to be healthy and fit, and a way to be right about my story that I will always be overweight.
I don't have to be strong enough to change this story on my own. The Bible tells me that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength, and everything is possible for him who believes.
I was recently told that God waits for me (us) to act first. Instead of waiting to feel powerful or confident, I need to move ahead in my weakness.
I think the reason I don't deserve to be healthy and fit is because I might attract attention if I am, and I don't deserve attention because I don't live up to other people's expectations, and that makes me unlovable and unworthy of other people's time and attention. Definitely a deserve issue!
It's time to move past my fears, step into deserving, and take action. I have read and researched and watched others. I have even had some small successes in the past that show me I can release weight. I learned recently that I need to commit first, and then my heart will kick in. I also need to pray, spend time with God, and read the Bible to learn and remember who I am in Christ.
On my own, I don't deserve anything good. As a child of God, I am an heir to eternal life and I am responsible for taking care of this body I have been given to go through life in. It's time to get started doing just that. Maybe, just maybe, I will find out I deserve to move forward in health and wholeness.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Monday, July 8, 2013
Not Giving Up the Goal
So, a few weeks ago I set a 90-day goal to improve communication with my husband. I came up with three action steps to complete that would help me in reaching my goal. The first action step was to tell my husband about my goal. I did that, and he laughed. My response was the same as it always is when I feel hurt or frustrated with the way we communicate - I shut down and stop talking to him altogether.
The next morning I told him I was going to change my goal because it obviously must be a silly goal if it made him laugh. He said he wasn't laughing at me or my goal. And then he just stopped talking. I waited a few minutes to see if he was going to say anything more and he didn't, so I asked him why he did laugh. His response was that he laughed because my goal is to improve communication with him and he is the one who upsets me all the time and then I quit talking to him.
I explained to him that my goal was not about changing him, but instead was about changing me and the way I respond to him when we are not communicating well, which is most of the time.
What I really want is to be able to talk to my husband about anything, without him trying to fix me or laughing at me or cutting me off mid-sentence without ever really hearing what I am saying. I want this, yet when my husband laughs, or talks over me, or starts trying to fix me, I shut down and quit talking to him at all and get more of what don't want - loneliness and distance between us, even when we are sitting two feet from each other.
Don't get me wrong here, my husband is a great guy. In all fairness, I must say that I am aware that his laughter is often just his way of reacting when he isn't sure what to say. I know he isn't really laughing at me, but it feels like it at the time. I know he wants to solve whatever problem I may have and that is why he tries to fix the situation or offer solutions, not because he thinks I need fixing. That is just my interpretation. The part I find the most challenging is when he cuts me off when I am in the middle of a sentence. He tells me that he thinks I am finished with what I am saying, and that just reinforces my belief that he is really not listening to me at all. My goal really is not about changing him. It is about changing me and the way I respond to him. Maybe that will lead to him changing too, and maybe not. Either way is okay with me. I am more interested in changing me and the way I respond. I deserve to be heard and what I have to say matters.
On our way home from work tonight we were talking about what we were going to have for supper. We had decided on salad and my husband asked if we had salad dressing at home. I started to answer, "we have cranberry walnut, ranch, etc.," and only got as far as "we have" and he said, "ok." I quit talking and he asked what I was going to say. I told him to forget it because he already responded before I could even finish my sentence. He once again told me he thought I was done. After "we have?" Does that even come close to sounding like a complete sentence?
It has taken me the past 3 1/2 hours, and typing this post, to talk myself out of giving up this goal. I had my mind made up that reaching this goal is too hard and I will never make it because he will continue to cut me off and not listen to me. What I realize now is that my focus had shifted to him needing to change instead of me.
Why is it so hard to stay focused and keep my goals in my head when the going gets tough? I think it comes back to the importance of our words and the desire to be right. I have commented that my husband and I communicate poorly more times than I can begin to count. If we continue to communicate poorly, then I get to be right. Tonight I realized that I would rather be happy and feel close to my husband. It is time to change my words - those I write, those I think, and those I speak to others and to myself.
My husband and I love each other and care about each other's thoughts and feelings. We laugh together and listen to each other without judgment and with confidence that we are each capable of solving our own problems and asking for help when we need it. These are my new words and I am not giving up the goal of communicating better with my husband.
Feel free to remind me of that and hold me accountable if I start pointing fingers anywhere but at me!
The next morning I told him I was going to change my goal because it obviously must be a silly goal if it made him laugh. He said he wasn't laughing at me or my goal. And then he just stopped talking. I waited a few minutes to see if he was going to say anything more and he didn't, so I asked him why he did laugh. His response was that he laughed because my goal is to improve communication with him and he is the one who upsets me all the time and then I quit talking to him.
I explained to him that my goal was not about changing him, but instead was about changing me and the way I respond to him when we are not communicating well, which is most of the time.
What I really want is to be able to talk to my husband about anything, without him trying to fix me or laughing at me or cutting me off mid-sentence without ever really hearing what I am saying. I want this, yet when my husband laughs, or talks over me, or starts trying to fix me, I shut down and quit talking to him at all and get more of what don't want - loneliness and distance between us, even when we are sitting two feet from each other.
Don't get me wrong here, my husband is a great guy. In all fairness, I must say that I am aware that his laughter is often just his way of reacting when he isn't sure what to say. I know he isn't really laughing at me, but it feels like it at the time. I know he wants to solve whatever problem I may have and that is why he tries to fix the situation or offer solutions, not because he thinks I need fixing. That is just my interpretation. The part I find the most challenging is when he cuts me off when I am in the middle of a sentence. He tells me that he thinks I am finished with what I am saying, and that just reinforces my belief that he is really not listening to me at all. My goal really is not about changing him. It is about changing me and the way I respond to him. Maybe that will lead to him changing too, and maybe not. Either way is okay with me. I am more interested in changing me and the way I respond. I deserve to be heard and what I have to say matters.
On our way home from work tonight we were talking about what we were going to have for supper. We had decided on salad and my husband asked if we had salad dressing at home. I started to answer, "we have cranberry walnut, ranch, etc.," and only got as far as "we have" and he said, "ok." I quit talking and he asked what I was going to say. I told him to forget it because he already responded before I could even finish my sentence. He once again told me he thought I was done. After "we have?" Does that even come close to sounding like a complete sentence?
It has taken me the past 3 1/2 hours, and typing this post, to talk myself out of giving up this goal. I had my mind made up that reaching this goal is too hard and I will never make it because he will continue to cut me off and not listen to me. What I realize now is that my focus had shifted to him needing to change instead of me.
Why is it so hard to stay focused and keep my goals in my head when the going gets tough? I think it comes back to the importance of our words and the desire to be right. I have commented that my husband and I communicate poorly more times than I can begin to count. If we continue to communicate poorly, then I get to be right. Tonight I realized that I would rather be happy and feel close to my husband. It is time to change my words - those I write, those I think, and those I speak to others and to myself.
My husband and I love each other and care about each other's thoughts and feelings. We laugh together and listen to each other without judgment and with confidence that we are each capable of solving our own problems and asking for help when we need it. These are my new words and I am not giving up the goal of communicating better with my husband.
Feel free to remind me of that and hold me accountable if I start pointing fingers anywhere but at me!
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Fact/Meaning
The fact is that I am overweight. The meaning I have attached to this fact is that I am lazy, unworthy, and unsuccessful. The results I have created in my life by believing this meaning include remaining overweight, feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, and believing I will fail at trying to change my weight because I'm not worth the effort anyway. This carries over into the rest of my life because I hold back from participating in many activities because of my weight and hide behind knowledge and experience in other areas, such as work, to take the attention off of my weight. This results in loneliness and lack of any close relationships.
Reading these thoughts is very emotional to me. I have lived with these meanings for longer than I care to admit and the only recognizable reward has been that I get to be right.
I know today that I have choices! The fact that I am overweight is still true, but I can change the meaning of this fact to whatever I chose that will better serve me and help me reach my goals. I can add to the fact of being overweight that I am strong and getting stronger. I know this is true because I can do 30 push-ups on my feet now (3 sets of 10) and 8-9 months ago I could hardly do 2 push-ups on my knees. I can lift and swing higher weights than I would have even thought of trying 9 months ago.
I am overweight, and also strong and getting stronger. The meaning I choose to attach to this fact is that I am making small changes to release the extra weight I am carrying around and have many tools and great support available to help and encourage me. I am capable of improving my fitness and being more active and will push through the feelings of discomfort and enjoy my progress as it comes. I will stop hiding behind other accomplishments and develop honest and trusting relationships with others by being vulnerable and bold.
I am a trusting, bold, worthy woman and this new meaning to the fact of being overweight will better support me in stepping into who I know I can be.
Reading these thoughts is very emotional to me. I have lived with these meanings for longer than I care to admit and the only recognizable reward has been that I get to be right.
I know today that I have choices! The fact that I am overweight is still true, but I can change the meaning of this fact to whatever I chose that will better serve me and help me reach my goals. I can add to the fact of being overweight that I am strong and getting stronger. I know this is true because I can do 30 push-ups on my feet now (3 sets of 10) and 8-9 months ago I could hardly do 2 push-ups on my knees. I can lift and swing higher weights than I would have even thought of trying 9 months ago.
I am overweight, and also strong and getting stronger. The meaning I choose to attach to this fact is that I am making small changes to release the extra weight I am carrying around and have many tools and great support available to help and encourage me. I am capable of improving my fitness and being more active and will push through the feelings of discomfort and enjoy my progress as it comes. I will stop hiding behind other accomplishments and develop honest and trusting relationships with others by being vulnerable and bold.
I am a trusting, bold, worthy woman and this new meaning to the fact of being overweight will better support me in stepping into who I know I can be.
How I Play
I was reading a friend's first blog post tonight and it ended with the three questions below.
First, in life are you playing to win, or simply playing not to lose? The second is how big is the reward (your dream or goal) that you are seeking? The third is what is the level of risk that is required for you to live the life of your dreams?
I have attended several Klemmer and Associates seminars in the past 6-7 months. The first one I attended is called Personal Mastery. I have gone back and staffed Personal Mastery once, and also staffed the Quickening, which is Personal Mastery concepts tied to the Bible. I also continued in this work by attending the next seminar level called Advanced Leadership Seminar, or ALS.
I have learned several things about myself and the way I think and the way I play in this game called life. I have had this misconception that in order for someone to win, someone else has to lose. I know differently today, yet often still play not to lose.
So, that is my answer to the first question in my friend's blog. I play not to lose. Even when I have played from the perspective that someone has to lose and someone has to win, I have played not to lose rather than playing to win. Playing to win is risky because I have no guarantee of winning, and I have chosen to give in to self-doubt and low self-esteem and believe that I am much more likely to lose than I am to win. Playing not to lose feels like the safest option because I can convince myself that I am trying without risking too much, but in reality, I am really losing the most by playing this way because I am not giving my all to anything. I am doing just enough to get by when I am playing not to lose.
To be brutally honest, sometimes I even play to lose! Sometimes I sabotage myself and the progress I am making towards reaching a dream or a goal to make sure I can't win. I have given this behavior quite a bit of thought and have come to the conclusion that I do this because I am afraid of succeeding and then falling back, and I lack confidence in my abilities to reach my goal so I squash my progress so I get to be right about thinking I will never succeed in reaching my goal. I also like to be comfortable and have noticed that each time I start to feel good about my progress toward reaching my goal, I start making poor choices and moving backwards. I think this is partially related to the discomfort of feeling good about my progress. Sounds silly, I know, to be uncomfortable about feeling good or proud, but it is not something I have allowed myself to feel much in my life.
The second question is how big is the reward (dream or goal) that you are seeking? The reward I have in mind is to be at a healthy weight and be fit and active. This reward is huge to me because I have not experienced being at a healthy weight since I was in kindergarten, and I only know I was then because of pictures I have seen. Getting to a healthy weight, along with getting fit and being active means feeling comfortable in my own skin, keeping up with my grandchildren, and gaining confidence and trust in myself and my abilities. This reward is so huge that it is often overwhelming and I feel paralyzed by the number of changes I need to make in my life and my habits so I don't take action at all, or I take action that will keep me stuck where I have always been.
The third question is what is the level of risk that is required for you to live the life of your dreams? I'm not sure how to rate the level of risk, but on a scale of low, medium, or high, I would rate the risk required for me to live the life of my dreams as high. That is my immediate response anyway. If I slow down long enough to really consider this, I must admit that the risk to live the life of my dreams at a health weight, being fit and active, is really not high. I have been telling myself that for years, and the truth is that the risk of me staying overweight, inactive, and unfit is much higher than any risk involved in improving myself and living the life of my dreams. I have been attaching "risk" to discomfort, which really isn't an equal comparison or match.
Years ago I went through a treatment program for drug addiction. I remember one of the counselors saying, "when the pain of where you are is greater than the fear of where you are going, you'll go." It took many years before I was ready to leave behind the pain of where I was in addiction and move past the fear of where I was going, which was recovery. The statement remained true though, and at some point the pain became greater than the fear and I went for it.
I don't know what it will take for the pain of where I am with my weight and physical health to be great enough to get past my fear of failing at losing weight and becoming fit and active. I don't really want to find out. I want to move and take action now, before I become diabetic or get diagnosed with a terminal illness like my parents. I can see that so clearly right now while I am typing this, and have been very clear about it in the past, yet my focus diminishes and I go back to comfort, back to what I know.
Will today be the day that the pain of where I am is greater than the risk, or the fear, of where I am going?
Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings.
Mary
First, in life are you playing to win, or simply playing not to lose? The second is how big is the reward (your dream or goal) that you are seeking? The third is what is the level of risk that is required for you to live the life of your dreams?
I have attended several Klemmer and Associates seminars in the past 6-7 months. The first one I attended is called Personal Mastery. I have gone back and staffed Personal Mastery once, and also staffed the Quickening, which is Personal Mastery concepts tied to the Bible. I also continued in this work by attending the next seminar level called Advanced Leadership Seminar, or ALS.
I have learned several things about myself and the way I think and the way I play in this game called life. I have had this misconception that in order for someone to win, someone else has to lose. I know differently today, yet often still play not to lose.
So, that is my answer to the first question in my friend's blog. I play not to lose. Even when I have played from the perspective that someone has to lose and someone has to win, I have played not to lose rather than playing to win. Playing to win is risky because I have no guarantee of winning, and I have chosen to give in to self-doubt and low self-esteem and believe that I am much more likely to lose than I am to win. Playing not to lose feels like the safest option because I can convince myself that I am trying without risking too much, but in reality, I am really losing the most by playing this way because I am not giving my all to anything. I am doing just enough to get by when I am playing not to lose.
To be brutally honest, sometimes I even play to lose! Sometimes I sabotage myself and the progress I am making towards reaching a dream or a goal to make sure I can't win. I have given this behavior quite a bit of thought and have come to the conclusion that I do this because I am afraid of succeeding and then falling back, and I lack confidence in my abilities to reach my goal so I squash my progress so I get to be right about thinking I will never succeed in reaching my goal. I also like to be comfortable and have noticed that each time I start to feel good about my progress toward reaching my goal, I start making poor choices and moving backwards. I think this is partially related to the discomfort of feeling good about my progress. Sounds silly, I know, to be uncomfortable about feeling good or proud, but it is not something I have allowed myself to feel much in my life.
The second question is how big is the reward (dream or goal) that you are seeking? The reward I have in mind is to be at a healthy weight and be fit and active. This reward is huge to me because I have not experienced being at a healthy weight since I was in kindergarten, and I only know I was then because of pictures I have seen. Getting to a healthy weight, along with getting fit and being active means feeling comfortable in my own skin, keeping up with my grandchildren, and gaining confidence and trust in myself and my abilities. This reward is so huge that it is often overwhelming and I feel paralyzed by the number of changes I need to make in my life and my habits so I don't take action at all, or I take action that will keep me stuck where I have always been.
The third question is what is the level of risk that is required for you to live the life of your dreams? I'm not sure how to rate the level of risk, but on a scale of low, medium, or high, I would rate the risk required for me to live the life of my dreams as high. That is my immediate response anyway. If I slow down long enough to really consider this, I must admit that the risk to live the life of my dreams at a health weight, being fit and active, is really not high. I have been telling myself that for years, and the truth is that the risk of me staying overweight, inactive, and unfit is much higher than any risk involved in improving myself and living the life of my dreams. I have been attaching "risk" to discomfort, which really isn't an equal comparison or match.
Years ago I went through a treatment program for drug addiction. I remember one of the counselors saying, "when the pain of where you are is greater than the fear of where you are going, you'll go." It took many years before I was ready to leave behind the pain of where I was in addiction and move past the fear of where I was going, which was recovery. The statement remained true though, and at some point the pain became greater than the fear and I went for it.
I don't know what it will take for the pain of where I am with my weight and physical health to be great enough to get past my fear of failing at losing weight and becoming fit and active. I don't really want to find out. I want to move and take action now, before I become diabetic or get diagnosed with a terminal illness like my parents. I can see that so clearly right now while I am typing this, and have been very clear about it in the past, yet my focus diminishes and I go back to comfort, back to what I know.
Will today be the day that the pain of where I am is greater than the risk, or the fear, of where I am going?
Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings.
Mary
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Stepping Forward
Months have gone by since I last wrote anything, yet I feel like I am still in the same place I have always been. I'm frustrated with myself and with staying stuck. I ask myself why am I still here? Why am I still almost the same weight, and still dealing with the exact same issues of self-loathing, poor communication with my husband, lack of confidence in my job? I ask myself these questions and the answer is always "I don't know." And then right behind that comes the thought, "Well, if you did know, what would the answer be?" I like comfort. That's part of it. I don't like to feel uncomfortable and changing lifelong habits is uncomfortable. So is staying in this body and feeling stuffed into a space that is too small to hold me. The discomfort of staying in the same place, in this same body, is familiar, making it less uncomfortable than moving forward.
Tonight on Facebook I read, "If you do not step forward, you will always be in the same place." This is me. I either do not step forward, or I do and then immediately step backwards. I don't keep my word to myself, to take care of myself and this body I have been given, to eat healthy, and to exercise regularly. I feel sad because I often feel unworthy of being taken care of, even by myself.
I went to Klemmer's Advanced Leadership Seminar just over three months ago, and met the woman I want to be. While I was there, I learned that I am a trusting, bold, and worthy woman! I believed that while I was there, and I did things I would never have believed I could do. And then I came home and have found it difficult to step into those qualities on a daily basis because doing so feels unfamiliar and uncomfortable.
Once in a while I feel confident in myself and my abilities and I remind myself of the things I did in that Redwood forest in California and I catch a glimpse of the trusting, bold, worthy woman I know I can be. I think about her and compare her to the woman I live as most days - lonely, withdrawn, and insecure. I want to say goodbye to that woman for good and step into who I am meant to be. I will say goodbye to her. I AM saying goodbye to loneliness and insecurity! I am a trusting, bold, worthy woman!! And I am worth taking care of. I make healthy food choices and I exercise regularly. I AM stepping forward!!
Tonight on Facebook I read, "If you do not step forward, you will always be in the same place." This is me. I either do not step forward, or I do and then immediately step backwards. I don't keep my word to myself, to take care of myself and this body I have been given, to eat healthy, and to exercise regularly. I feel sad because I often feel unworthy of being taken care of, even by myself.
I went to Klemmer's Advanced Leadership Seminar just over three months ago, and met the woman I want to be. While I was there, I learned that I am a trusting, bold, and worthy woman! I believed that while I was there, and I did things I would never have believed I could do. And then I came home and have found it difficult to step into those qualities on a daily basis because doing so feels unfamiliar and uncomfortable.
Once in a while I feel confident in myself and my abilities and I remind myself of the things I did in that Redwood forest in California and I catch a glimpse of the trusting, bold, worthy woman I know I can be. I think about her and compare her to the woman I live as most days - lonely, withdrawn, and insecure. I want to say goodbye to that woman for good and step into who I am meant to be. I will say goodbye to her. I AM saying goodbye to loneliness and insecurity! I am a trusting, bold, worthy woman!! And I am worth taking care of. I make healthy food choices and I exercise regularly. I AM stepping forward!!
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