Here am again, feeling completely uncomfortable in my own skin and knowing the only reason for my uncomfortableness is ME and my horrible habits with food. I have eaten so terribly for the past week (really for the past 40 years!) and I feel bloated and my clothes feel tight and I want to go home and hide where no one can see me. We did our morning stretches at work today and I was so self-conscious. No one was even looking at me, yet I felt like there was a spotlight shining on me to highlight how huge I look and how my fat stomach gets in the way of me trying to pull my knee to my forehead. I am embarrassed to be in public looking the way I do and feeling the way I feel. Why do these feelings go right out the window when thoughts of food enter my mind or when I am faced with food choices right in front of me?
I know I want to change and lose weight and be healthier. I want to be a good example for my children and my grandchildren. I want to be an active member of my team in the Wausau's Biggest Loser competition. I often think I must not want it bad enough because if I did, I would be doing more and making better choices. I sit in my chair at home and think about all the things I should be doing or should have done and yet, there I sit instead of getting up and taking action.
I sometimes get scared thinking about what it will take to cause me to get up and start making some serious changes. I watched a show on television last night where two overweight girls from England spent a week in Mississippi with two sisters who are both obese and eat like crazy. One of the sisters weighed over 500 pounds. That could happen to me and I don't want that. Another woman on the show has to go to dialysis three times per week because her kidneys no longer work properly because of her obesity. I don't want that either. Many family members of the two sisters had died due to diabetes and other complications related to obesity. I don't want any of that, but any of those things could happen to me if I don't start making changes.
Last night I went and joined Anytime Fitness. I wasn't sure if I wanted to join because that means working out in public in front of other people. The front wall at the location I joined is all windows and I my first thought was about how self-conscious I would feel knowing people outside could see me inside working out. Once I was inside I was able to focus on what was going on inside and didn't even pay attention to what was going on outside. I need to work on changing my thoughts. Most of the people outside are going through the drive-thru of the McDonald's next door and not paying any attention to who is working out. And as long as I am in Anytime Fitness working out instead of in the McDonald's drive-thru, I have something to be proud of because I am taking action. Last night was just a tour. Tonight I need to get past the million and one excuses already starting in my head and just go and get started doing something. I want to get on the eliptical for as long as I can and then I want to go on a treadmill for a while. Anything will be an improvement over sitting at home feeling bad about myself. I am tired of being stuck and it is time to take some action and get unstuck!
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Friday, June 1, 2012
Changes and Challenges
A few weeks ago my husband and I became the new "owners" of the restaurant, bar, and banquet facility where he has worked for a little more than the past year. While this is incredibly exciting and a testament to my husband's hard work, it is also very overwhelming and stressful because there is so much to learn and my natural tendency is to want to know it all right now and that just isn't possible. I feel completely out of control in so many areas and that adds to the stress I feel and I end up crying or eating, or both, and then I feel worse about myself. I feel stuck in a downward spiral and afraid of where that is leading me. I started seeing a counselor a few weeks ago because of that fear and because of feeling so worthless and incompetent lately.
For the first time in my life I talked outloud to another human being about my struggles and strange, all-consuming relationship with food. I admitted to my counselor that I have eaten to the point of feeling sick and completely uncomfortable and then made myself throw up and that I have done this off and on since I was in high school. I am ashamed of myself and the way I look and uncomfortable in my own skin and I don't want to feel this way anymore. Saying these things outloud to another person was scary, but it's also somewhat exciting because I really do want to get past this somehow and I know I can't do that by keeping it all to myself. I have done that for the past 30 years and it has gotten me nowhere but overweight, unhealthy, and unhappy.
I have always questioned whether or not I have an eating disorder and Jen confirmed that yes, I do. I have some symptoms of bulimia and many symptoms of binge eating disorder. We talked about many of the negative thoughts I have about myself, my body, my eating, etc. and decided to call those ED thoughts. Jen encouraged me to start journaling and to challenge the ED thoughts when I have them. She told me to forgive myself and be kind to myself when I binge and to remember that it is only one episode and that I am made up of much more than that. I like that idea and will work at that. I know it will take a long time because I have 30 years of negative self-talk to challenge.
Yesterday was a horrible day for me. I don't know what caused my ED thoughts to start, but they did start early in the day and I binged several times. I had my normal breakfast and then also ate a 2.5 serving bag of Cheez-its. I had to run to the bank later in the day and it is in a grocery store. I could have grabbed something healthy to eat, but instead I bought a movie theater style box of Charleston Chews and ate the entire box. I also bought two 7-serving size bags of M&Ms and ate one full bag after I returned to work. When Dan and I got home from work I ate what was left in a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips and then ate a whole pizza, followed by the other bag of M&Ms I had bought earlier. I felt sick and disgusted with myself and went to bed. This morning I woke up feeling miserable and my stomach still felt completely full from the day before. I made myself throw up, twice. My stomach felt better after that but I still felt miserable about myself, and still do.
My other obsession is weighing myself. I weigh myself first thing every morning. This morning I weighed myself 3 times before I left the house for work - once when I first got up, and then again after each time I threw up. The logical part of me knows this makes no sense whatsoever, but I still find myself on the scale several times a day. I talked to Jen about this yesterday and she asked if the number on the scale sets my mood for the day. It doesn't always set my mood for the whole day, but definitely contributes to how I feel and what my thoughts are for a while afterwards. Jen told me to try to get down to weighing myself once every other day and eventually to once per week. I told her I would try and I will. Today was a weigh-in day though for a 12-week challenge I am half-heartedly participating in so I had to get on the scale to send in my weight and then I couldn't stop myself from getting on it again. Sometimes I even move the scale to different places on the floor because it may go down by 1/2 pound or a full pound and then I feel a little better. It's a sick, irrational game I play with myself and what it really causes is anxiety and more low self-esteem. My highest weight I can remember seeing on the scale was 259 and I swore I would never see that number on the scale again. Last night I saw 255 and I told myself I am a pig. This morning after playing my 'move the scale' game I saw 250. I still feel like a pig because I gained three pounds since my weigh-in last Friday, but I am happier with 250 than I was with 255.
Today has been a little better so far because I have not binged at all. I ate what I planned to eat for breakfast and nothing more. I have my lunch and two health snacks planned for today and I think I will be able to stick to those. Dan and I will be eating at the restaurant tonight and I will do my best to make good choices there. What I really wish is that my entire day was not spent obsessing about food in one way or another. I told Jen this is exactly what it was like when I was using drugs. Every waking moment was spent using drugs or in the planning and finding ways and means to get more. I am doing the same exact thing with food. I know I was able to overcome the obsession and compulsion with drugs with the help of God, a recovery program, and other people and that gives me hope that I can do the same thing with my eating disorder. It seems much more challenging though because I can't stop eating completely like I had to do with drugs. We all have to eat and eating itself is the trigger. I'm talking about it and writing about it and that is a change and a challenge. It's a start.
For the first time in my life I talked outloud to another human being about my struggles and strange, all-consuming relationship with food. I admitted to my counselor that I have eaten to the point of feeling sick and completely uncomfortable and then made myself throw up and that I have done this off and on since I was in high school. I am ashamed of myself and the way I look and uncomfortable in my own skin and I don't want to feel this way anymore. Saying these things outloud to another person was scary, but it's also somewhat exciting because I really do want to get past this somehow and I know I can't do that by keeping it all to myself. I have done that for the past 30 years and it has gotten me nowhere but overweight, unhealthy, and unhappy.
I have always questioned whether or not I have an eating disorder and Jen confirmed that yes, I do. I have some symptoms of bulimia and many symptoms of binge eating disorder. We talked about many of the negative thoughts I have about myself, my body, my eating, etc. and decided to call those ED thoughts. Jen encouraged me to start journaling and to challenge the ED thoughts when I have them. She told me to forgive myself and be kind to myself when I binge and to remember that it is only one episode and that I am made up of much more than that. I like that idea and will work at that. I know it will take a long time because I have 30 years of negative self-talk to challenge.
Yesterday was a horrible day for me. I don't know what caused my ED thoughts to start, but they did start early in the day and I binged several times. I had my normal breakfast and then also ate a 2.5 serving bag of Cheez-its. I had to run to the bank later in the day and it is in a grocery store. I could have grabbed something healthy to eat, but instead I bought a movie theater style box of Charleston Chews and ate the entire box. I also bought two 7-serving size bags of M&Ms and ate one full bag after I returned to work. When Dan and I got home from work I ate what was left in a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips and then ate a whole pizza, followed by the other bag of M&Ms I had bought earlier. I felt sick and disgusted with myself and went to bed. This morning I woke up feeling miserable and my stomach still felt completely full from the day before. I made myself throw up, twice. My stomach felt better after that but I still felt miserable about myself, and still do.
My other obsession is weighing myself. I weigh myself first thing every morning. This morning I weighed myself 3 times before I left the house for work - once when I first got up, and then again after each time I threw up. The logical part of me knows this makes no sense whatsoever, but I still find myself on the scale several times a day. I talked to Jen about this yesterday and she asked if the number on the scale sets my mood for the day. It doesn't always set my mood for the whole day, but definitely contributes to how I feel and what my thoughts are for a while afterwards. Jen told me to try to get down to weighing myself once every other day and eventually to once per week. I told her I would try and I will. Today was a weigh-in day though for a 12-week challenge I am half-heartedly participating in so I had to get on the scale to send in my weight and then I couldn't stop myself from getting on it again. Sometimes I even move the scale to different places on the floor because it may go down by 1/2 pound or a full pound and then I feel a little better. It's a sick, irrational game I play with myself and what it really causes is anxiety and more low self-esteem. My highest weight I can remember seeing on the scale was 259 and I swore I would never see that number on the scale again. Last night I saw 255 and I told myself I am a pig. This morning after playing my 'move the scale' game I saw 250. I still feel like a pig because I gained three pounds since my weigh-in last Friday, but I am happier with 250 than I was with 255.
Today has been a little better so far because I have not binged at all. I ate what I planned to eat for breakfast and nothing more. I have my lunch and two health snacks planned for today and I think I will be able to stick to those. Dan and I will be eating at the restaurant tonight and I will do my best to make good choices there. What I really wish is that my entire day was not spent obsessing about food in one way or another. I told Jen this is exactly what it was like when I was using drugs. Every waking moment was spent using drugs or in the planning and finding ways and means to get more. I am doing the same exact thing with food. I know I was able to overcome the obsession and compulsion with drugs with the help of God, a recovery program, and other people and that gives me hope that I can do the same thing with my eating disorder. It seems much more challenging though because I can't stop eating completely like I had to do with drugs. We all have to eat and eating itself is the trigger. I'm talking about it and writing about it and that is a change and a challenge. It's a start.
Challenging ED
From May 23rd:
I am sitting here at work thinking that something is seriously wrong with me because I am thinking about when I should have the snack I planned for this afternoon (100 cal. bag of popcorn) and what Dan and I should do for dinner since we have to work late - all the while with this horrible pressure in my stomach that has been there most of the day again. Jen (my new counselor) gave me some questions to consider when I have thoughts of bingeing or of compulsive eating so I wrote them down on a small paper that I can carry with me all the time.
1. What am I feeling? I guess I feel sad and frustrated because my whole day, my whole life, seems to be planned around food - what I am going to eat, when I am going to eat, how much I am going to eat, if I am going to eat with someone else or in secret, etc.
2. What do I need right now? My first thought is that what I need right now is to get back to work and focus on my job instead of on food and on how fat my arms look in the shirt I am wearing today (one that I will likely never wear again because the sleeves are too short for my fat arms). I also feel a need to cover up and get out of this shirt because I keep thinking that other people are commenting about it to each other because I have heard them do the same thing in the past about another employee. I also need some self-acceptance of where I'm at on this journey to get healthier, mentally and physically, and to work on replacing some of these Ed thoughts with positive, healthy thoughts.
3. How can I get that need met, or is it possible to get that need met? Changing my thought patterns will not happen overnight and I can be realistic about that, even though I would love for everything to be different RIGHT NOW! I can meet my need to get back to work and focus on my job by working on one task at a time and doing what is right in front of me instead of watching the clock and counting down the minutes until I can change clothes.
4. What can I do instead? I have an hour and 40 minutes left of work and I'm hoping that typing this journal entry will help me re-focus my thoughts on work and getting done what I need to get done today. As soon as I am done at this job I am headed to the restaurant and am going to change into the clothes I ran home to get during my lunch break. I can also look at my day and know that although food has been on my mind all day, I have made healthy food choices and have not binged or eaten compulsively so far.
I am sitting here at work thinking that something is seriously wrong with me because I am thinking about when I should have the snack I planned for this afternoon (100 cal. bag of popcorn) and what Dan and I should do for dinner since we have to work late - all the while with this horrible pressure in my stomach that has been there most of the day again. Jen (my new counselor) gave me some questions to consider when I have thoughts of bingeing or of compulsive eating so I wrote them down on a small paper that I can carry with me all the time.
1. What am I feeling? I guess I feel sad and frustrated because my whole day, my whole life, seems to be planned around food - what I am going to eat, when I am going to eat, how much I am going to eat, if I am going to eat with someone else or in secret, etc.
2. What do I need right now? My first thought is that what I need right now is to get back to work and focus on my job instead of on food and on how fat my arms look in the shirt I am wearing today (one that I will likely never wear again because the sleeves are too short for my fat arms). I also feel a need to cover up and get out of this shirt because I keep thinking that other people are commenting about it to each other because I have heard them do the same thing in the past about another employee. I also need some self-acceptance of where I'm at on this journey to get healthier, mentally and physically, and to work on replacing some of these Ed thoughts with positive, healthy thoughts.
3. How can I get that need met, or is it possible to get that need met? Changing my thought patterns will not happen overnight and I can be realistic about that, even though I would love for everything to be different RIGHT NOW! I can meet my need to get back to work and focus on my job by working on one task at a time and doing what is right in front of me instead of watching the clock and counting down the minutes until I can change clothes.
4. What can I do instead? I have an hour and 40 minutes left of work and I'm hoping that typing this journal entry will help me re-focus my thoughts on work and getting done what I need to get done today. As soon as I am done at this job I am headed to the restaurant and am going to change into the clothes I ran home to get during my lunch break. I can also look at my day and know that although food has been on my mind all day, I have made healthy food choices and have not binged or eaten compulsively so far.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
One Day in Heaven
I watched a Beth Moore video recently on YouTube that really made me stop and think. Beth talked about knowing some missionaries who were involved in an accident. For the purpose of re-telling this story (because I can't recall the actual names Beth mentioned) I will call these missionaries Amy and Jenny. Amy died and Jenny was in a coma. When Jenny came to she asked almost immediately, "What about Amy? Did she make it?" Beth said at that very moment Amy was in Heaven with a host of angels gathered all around saying "What about Jenny? Did she make it?" What a powerful visual!! Can't you just picture loved ones in Heaven just waiting for us to get there to spend eternity with them? I can! I have such a longing sometimes that it is a physical ache in my soul and in my body. The more I learn through Bible study and church, the closer I long to be to God and the deeper this longing grows. I have always known that Jesus died for you, to save you. I am starting to believe that Jesus also died for ME! I have never felt worthy of forgiveness or redemption and in all reality, I am not. But Jesus loves me. I have to say that again - Jesus loves ME. And He died for ME. In all my unworthiness and all my sin and shame, he became man and faced the same temptations I face and beat them all. He knew me and chose me before I was ever formed in my Mother's womb and called me to be his own. It is more than I can comprehend, yet I know that it is true. And one day the angels in Heaven will be gathered all around and will say, "What about Mary? Did she make it?"
Changes
Change is so hard, but also so necessary for us to keep moving forward. It is hard to hear the difficult changes my daughters are experiencing and even more difficult to have no control over any of it. I hear them talk about their struggles and I automatically want to fix everything and win the fight for them, but then I have to remind myself that it is not my fight to win. My role is to listen and cheer them on. I can share my experience and what I have learned in through my own fights, but I cannot take over the battle for them. Making it through the fight loses significance when we don't have to work for it. Sometimes it seems as if they are looking to me for answers and I feel afraid that I will give them the wrong answer. Sometimes I feel panicked that I won't have any answer at all. In the end, what I hope they learn from me is that the best we can do every day is to do the next right thing, one decision at a time, one day at a time. There will be bumps and potholes in the road along the way sometimes and other times will feel like open road with no obstacles. If we manage the open road well then the bumps won't seem so big and the potholes won't seem so deep.
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