Staying on Track

Losing weight is so simple, but it is so hard! I know that sounds contradictory but it really isn't. The concept of losing weight is simple - burn more calories than you take in and you will lose weight. The process of doing this and breaking lifelong habits that have contributed to me being overweight are what are so hard. I was stuck in the 250s for quite a while and then I started going in the right direction again and got down to about 243 before getting stuck again. I stayed there for a long time, playing tug-o-war with the same five pounds. Then I found the Crown Dynasty Fitness Team on Facebook and that was the motivation I needed to get past 243 and down to 237. I was then introduced to ViSalus and the Body by Vi 90 Day Challenge. I started drinking the ViSalus shakes twice a day and got down to 226 and was feeling great about that. I stopped exercising though and gradually started letting one old habit after another back in. It didn't take long for those old carb and sugar cravings to start right back up once I let those foods cross my lips. I get so mad at myself for going backwards after feeling so good inside about making positive changes. I'm trying to look deeper this time and figure out why I make the choices I make. I'm learning that I eat for comfort and to make myself feel better when I feel lonely, sad, afraid, overwhelmed, and even happy. It's like I have a hole inside created by emotions that are uncomfortable to feel and I try to fill the hole with food. The result is feelings of shame, embarrassment, fear that someone will see how much I eat in private. I lie to myself and pretend I don't eat as much as I do but I am not fooling anyone. The proof is not only visible through the number on the scale, it is evident in the way I feel about myself. A couple of weeks ago I felt really good about myself because the number on the scale was going down. I want that number to keep going down, but I don't want my sense of self-worth to be tied only to that number. I am hoping that writing this blog will help me identify patterns in my thoughts and in my behaviors so I know where to direct my efforts. Today I am committing to the following:

• Track everything I eat and drink every day
• Exercise at least 30 minutes, 3 times per week
• Blog at least 4 times per week

Longing

Today I feel far from acceptance in many ways. I have a longing for many things and for many people. I have been missing my Grandma and my Dad a lot lately and think about them so often. I long for the days when they were still here and I long for the day when I can be where they now are. I long to go to Janesville and see my daughters and my grandchildren. I long for regular physical affection from my husband. I wish we hugged more and even more than that, I wish we snuggled more - or even at all! I wish we could sleep in the same room, cuddled close to each other with his arm around me, instead of one of us in our bedroom and one of us on the couch because of his snoring. I wish I could lose weight better and faster and keep it off. I long to feel healthy and comfortable in my own body. I long to be closer to God and to better follow his will for my life. I long to see all of my children and my grandchildren have a personal relationship with God and to know that we will all spend eternity together. And I long to be the woman God wants me to be.

Poem

I'm reading a book by Debbie Macomber called One Simple Act. She has a poem in the book that was written by pastor and poet Henry van Dyke (1852 - 1933):

Gone From My Sight

I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white
sails to the morning breeze and starts
for the blue ocean.

She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until at length
she hangs like a speck of white cloud
just where the sea and sky come
to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says;
"There, she is gone!"

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight. That is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull
and spar as she was when she left my side
and she is just as able to bear her
load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminshed size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone
at my side says: "There, she is gone!"
there are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout;

"Here she comes!"
And that is dying.