Staying on Track

Losing weight is so simple, but it is so hard! I know that sounds contradictory but it really isn't. The concept of losing weight is simple - burn more calories than you take in and you will lose weight. The process of doing this and breaking lifelong habits that have contributed to me being overweight are what are so hard. I was stuck in the 250s for quite a while and then I started going in the right direction again and got down to about 243 before getting stuck again. I stayed there for a long time, playing tug-o-war with the same five pounds. Then I found the Crown Dynasty Fitness Team on Facebook and that was the motivation I needed to get past 243 and down to 237. I was then introduced to ViSalus and the Body by Vi 90 Day Challenge. I started drinking the ViSalus shakes twice a day and got down to 226 and was feeling great about that. I stopped exercising though and gradually started letting one old habit after another back in. It didn't take long for those old carb and sugar cravings to start right back up once I let those foods cross my lips. I get so mad at myself for going backwards after feeling so good inside about making positive changes. I'm trying to look deeper this time and figure out why I make the choices I make. I'm learning that I eat for comfort and to make myself feel better when I feel lonely, sad, afraid, overwhelmed, and even happy. It's like I have a hole inside created by emotions that are uncomfortable to feel and I try to fill the hole with food. The result is feelings of shame, embarrassment, fear that someone will see how much I eat in private. I lie to myself and pretend I don't eat as much as I do but I am not fooling anyone. The proof is not only visible through the number on the scale, it is evident in the way I feel about myself. A couple of weeks ago I felt really good about myself because the number on the scale was going down. I want that number to keep going down, but I don't want my sense of self-worth to be tied only to that number. I am hoping that writing this blog will help me identify patterns in my thoughts and in my behaviors so I know where to direct my efforts. Today I am committing to the following:

• Track everything I eat and drink every day
• Exercise at least 30 minutes, 3 times per week
• Blog at least 4 times per week

Longing

Today I feel far from acceptance in many ways. I have a longing for many things and for many people. I have been missing my Grandma and my Dad a lot lately and think about them so often. I long for the days when they were still here and I long for the day when I can be where they now are. I long to go to Janesville and see my daughters and my grandchildren. I long for regular physical affection from my husband. I wish we hugged more and even more than that, I wish we snuggled more - or even at all! I wish we could sleep in the same room, cuddled close to each other with his arm around me, instead of one of us in our bedroom and one of us on the couch because of his snoring. I wish I could lose weight better and faster and keep it off. I long to feel healthy and comfortable in my own body. I long to be closer to God and to better follow his will for my life. I long to see all of my children and my grandchildren have a personal relationship with God and to know that we will all spend eternity together. And I long to be the woman God wants me to be.

Poem

I'm reading a book by Debbie Macomber called One Simple Act. She has a poem in the book that was written by pastor and poet Henry van Dyke (1852 - 1933):

Gone From My Sight

I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white
sails to the morning breeze and starts
for the blue ocean.

She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until at length
she hangs like a speck of white cloud
just where the sea and sky come
to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says;
"There, she is gone!"

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight. That is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull
and spar as she was when she left my side
and she is just as able to bear her
load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminshed size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone
at my side says: "There, she is gone!"
there are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout;

"Here she comes!"
And that is dying.

Yesterday

Dan and I went to Eau Claire yesterday and had a great day, even though it was hard too. I saw my Mom for the first time since learning of her PF diagnosis and just what that means. I was afraid that I would lose it and just fall apart when I saw her but I didn't. A group of us met at Olive Garden in Eau Claire for lunch - Dan and I, my Mom and Allen, Mary B. with Bronwyn and Gabriel, and Dave B. with Aja and one of her friends. Dan and I got there first and sat in the lobby waiting for everyone else to arrive. I noticed my Mom's car driving past the door and knew Allen had just let my Mom out so Dan and I stood up and Dan opened the door for my Mom. We hugged and I got choked up. She asked what was wrong and I told her I was fine. She said she needed to sit down and I couldn't help thinking that she had only walked from the car outside the front door to the lobby inside and needed to sit already and the worry started again. I had prayed a good part of the time driving to Eau Claire from Wausa that God would give me strength to not fall apart and to enjoy the time with my Mom and I know He was right there with us.
We sat and talked for a little bit while we waited for everyone else to arrive. My Mom told me that she had a call just before she left home and my uncle Edgar had had a heart attack. My aunt Myrna had called and told Allen and my Mom was feeling bad because she had asked Allen to tell Myrna she would call her back later in the day, but she didn't know about the heart attach when she asked that. Myrna told Allen that was fine because she wanted to talk to my Mom for a long time. They are sisters and so close and I am so glad they have each other to confide in and lean on.
We ended up being seated at the same table we were at just about a year ago for Mother's Day. What a special day that was. All three of my sisters and I were there with my Mom, my two daughters and my grandchildren were there with me, and Mary B. (my Godmother) and Emily(my cousin) joined us and we had such a nice time.
I sat next to my Mom during our lunch and we all just visited and had fun enjoying each other's company. After lunch my Mom mentioned that she will be going to see an ear, nose, and throat specialist soon and is hopeful the ENT will be able to figure out what is going on with her sinuses and with her left tonsil. She said her sinuses bother her all the time and her left tonsil has been making itself known and causing her to wake up in the middle of the night and to cough when it gets irritated, which is most of the time. I asked her when she sees her lung doctor again and she said she had just seen him on Friday and he reiterated what the doctor at Mayo Clinic had told her.
When it was time to leave we ended up standing in the lobby again for a little bit and I just realized she didn't have to sit down that time. We gave each other a hug and I told her I lover her. She said she loves me too and I got choked up again and this time she realized it was because of what is going on with her and she told me not to worry. I told her that is much easier to say than to do. She told me she has pretty much accepted it all and I told her I need to be able to talk about it to get to that point but I don't know what is okay to talk about and what isn't or who is okay to talk to and who isn't. I told her I hadn't even talked to my sisters at all because I didn't know if that is okay or not or what they know. She told me it was all okay to talk about and asked if that helps. It helps more than I can even express. She said she thinks she talks about it too much and would have talked about it more but didn't want our whole lunch to be about that. I confessed that I had told Mary B. earlier in the week and my Mom said that was okay. She is not trying to keep it a secret from anyone.
We left Olive Garden to go to my cousin Emily's house and I cried. I cry every day and feel bad about that because I think it must mean that I am not trusting God. I do trust Him and pray often and am trying to get a handle on my emotions and get to a place of acceptance, but I'm just not sure how to do that. When my Dad was diagnosed with cancer I escaped in drugs. I'm not doing that this time. I know today that the only way to get over it is to go through it. I still want to escape because that is what comes naturally to me, but drugs are not the answer today. It took a long time for me to work through the shame and guilt of turning to drugs to cope with my Dad dying and I don't want to do that again. Truthfully, I don't know if I would survive another run with drugs and don't want to find out. I want to be fully present, even with the emotional pain and the sadness. Today I am trying to find health ways to escape - by turning to God and trusting Him, using my God box, walking to relieve some of the anxiety and stress, and going to meetings. Even if I only make it to my Tuesday night NA meeting, I know it is a safe place to share what I am thinking and feeling and that the people there care about me. Staying in today and taking things one moment at a time is something I struggle with, but I keep trying. Right now it is time to wipe all the tears off my face and go get cleaned up and dressed to go to Bible study and church.

Searching for Acceptance

Three years ago my Mom was diagnosed with Interstitial Lung Disease and she was recently diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis. Three years ago those words didn't mean anything to me because I didn't know anything about them and I was not yet working in the health care field. Today I do work in health care and regularly see those diagnoses on prescriptions for hospice patients and am scared and saddened to know this diagnosis is now connected to my Mom. I have always said I don't believe in coincidences and I don't think it is a coincidence that I work for a durable medical equipment provider and am familiar enough with oxygen equipment that I can teach someone else how to use it and troubleshoot problems. I know the day will come when my Mom will need oxygen.

I think I have cried every day since finding out her diagnosis. Most days I have this feeling in my gut of impending doom. I haven't carried that feeling around like a security blanket since I was a using addict who thrived on chaos. I am afraid, sad, angry, and hurt . . . and I am not the one who was diagnosed with PF. I feel selfish thinking about how much I already feel affected by this disease, yet I know a diagnosis like this affects not only the person with the disease, but family and friends who love that person as well. I think part of being an addict involves being somewhat obsessive/compulsive and I know that is certainly true for me. I don't like the unknown and while I can accept that there are things I will never know, I do make an effort to learn about things I can and that take up too much room in my head - like pulmonary fibrosis. Here is some of what I have learned so far:

A Snapshot of the Disease

• The disease affects 200,000 Americans; alarmingly prevalence has increased as much as 150% percent since 2001
• The median survival rate is only 2 to 3 years, and more than 2/3 of patients will die within 5 years
• There is no FDA-approved treatment or cure for IPF
• An estimated 40,000 people die each year from IPF – one every 13 minutes (the same number that die annually from breast cancer)
• An estimated 48,000 new cases are diagnosed each year
• IPF can affect anyone, but the disease tends to affect men more than women; the mean age at the time of diagnosis is 60-70 but can occur at any age
• IPF is 5 to 6 times more common than cystic fibrosis, yet it remains virtually unknown to the public, many policymakers, and even some physicians

I have also learned that there are some amazing people who also have this disease and instead of focusing solely on how it is affecting them, they share with and support others with the disease and those with a loved one who has the disease. Peg and Donna are two of these angels that God has brought into my life and who I pray will eventually be a part of my Mom's life too. I met them both through the Facebook page for the Pulmonary Fibrosis Foundation and they have both been such a blessing.

I don't want to focus on the fact that my Mom is going to die because if I do, I will miss out on the time that she still has left to live. I try not to give PF too much space in my head but it has made itself comfortable there and eviction is proving itself to be impossible. I pray a lot, although nowhere near as much as I think I should be, for God to direct my thoughts and to strengthen my trust in Him. This all feels so unfair, especially since I lost my Dad seven years ago, but I know God sees the whole picture and I only see a small part.

I wish my Mom would talk more about all this and about what she is thinking and feeling. I wish she would say that it is okay for me to talk about it. I have three sisters and don't even know if they understand what this diagnosis means or if it is okay to even ask them.

Dan and I are going to Eau Claire on Saturday because my cousin in town from Missouri and I really want to see her. Even more than that I really want to see my Mom and we will be getting together with her for lunch. I just hope I can hold it together, stay in the moment, and focus on the time we will have together and enjoy it. I don't want to fall apart and I know if I put this all in God's hands He will give me the strength to hold it together.