My husband came home yesterday from a 5 day trip to California. I was so excited to hear all about his trip and what I heard instead was silence. We had a 3 hour drive home and stopped for dinner, all in silence except my husband asking me to stop somewhere for him to use the restroom and both of us ordering our food at the restaurant.
I struggle a lot with thoughts that I am not enough. Not smart enough, not thin enough, not important enough, not lovable enough - you get the picture. I also believe the story I have told myself for years that my husband should be my best friend, and he is not. My story is that my husband is not my best friend, is not interested in hearing what I have to say, and is not interested in being close to me physically or emotionally because I am not enough of anything to satisfy what he really wants.
This story is so much a part of me that I collect evidence to prove the story true, even when I don't realize that is what I am doing. I had a powerful experience on Sunday and wanted to share it with my husband, so I did. He was distracted and not really listening to me, and I felt frustrated and hurt. I racked up his behavior as another example of where I was not important enough to listen to. I added this evidence to the steel trap in my mind that collects all of this evidence so I can really prove my point when challenged.
Today I realized that I expected my husband to focus on and understand what I experienced when he was still desperately trying to process the powerful experience he was involved in for 5 days. I subconsciously collected more evidence.
Tonight I tried to talk to my husband about how I felt yesterday. I wanted to let him know that he can take as much time as he needs to process what he learns and I will wait until he is ready to share, if he ever is. I wanted to tell him I love him and I am glad he is home. All of this would have been good except I waited until he told me he was going to bed before I tried to talk to him and then shut down when he started to interrupt me so he just ended up frustrated with me. I said something about what I had to say not being important enough and about me not being important enough and he went to bed. I definitely collected evidence in that situation.
I sat on the couch and cried, just as I did last night and also in the car yesterday. What I realized is that no one else can make me miserable and no one else can make me happy. I am the only one who can do either one based on the stories I choose to believe about myself.
I started thinking about the evidence I have collected that tells me I am amazing, and smart, and talented, and trusting, and vulnerable, and worthy, and caring. I am a child of God and he loves me and thinks I am amazing! I need to focus on communicating with and spending time with people who show me this type of evidence.
I will continue to hope my husband becomes one of these people and more so that I will be this type of person for him, For now, we are roommates collecting evidence.
