I have been realizing lately that I have a conflicting desire to be noticed and a fear of being noticed. When I look closer, I can see that my real fear is not that of simply being noticed, but rather that of being examined and found to be not enough or not having it all together. If I am not enough all on my own, or if I do not have it all together, I have to rely on someone else. That means opening myself up to the possibility of being hurt, and that feels scary. Relying on myself and never letting anyone get too close is lonely, and I am realizing that the end result is exactly what I am trying to avoid - feeling hurt!
I was talking with my coach tonight and she asked me why I think it is that I keep people at a distance. I do this because I have been hurt when I have let people get to close - either people leave, or they have taken information I have shared and thrown it back at me in a hurtful way, like rubbing salt in a wound.
My coach helped me see that shutting myself off from those people was a good choice and a way of protecting myself at the time, but is no longer a choice that is serving me well. And even though this choice is no longer serving me well today, I can still be thankful for the times these choices did serve me well.
Knowing this, I can take a step out in the open and risk being vulnerable again. I can risk being uncomfortable and knowing that none of us "have it all together" anyway. I can risk being noticed.
