Here am again, feeling completely uncomfortable in my own skin and knowing the only reason for my uncomfortableness is ME and my horrible habits with food. I have eaten so terribly for the past week (really for the past 40 years!) and I feel bloated and my clothes feel tight and I want to go home and hide where no one can see me. We did our morning stretches at work today and I was so self-conscious. No one was even looking at me, yet I felt like there was a spotlight shining on me to highlight how huge I look and how my fat stomach gets in the way of me trying to pull my knee to my forehead. I am embarrassed to be in public looking the way I do and feeling the way I feel. Why do these feelings go right out the window when thoughts of food enter my mind or when I am faced with food choices right in front of me?
I know I want to change and lose weight and be healthier. I want to be a good example for my children and my grandchildren. I want to be an active member of my team in the Wausau's Biggest Loser competition. I often think I must not want it bad enough because if I did, I would be doing more and making better choices. I sit in my chair at home and think about all the things I should be doing or should have done and yet, there I sit instead of getting up and taking action.
I sometimes get scared thinking about what it will take to cause me to get up and start making some serious changes. I watched a show on television last night where two overweight girls from England spent a week in Mississippi with two sisters who are both obese and eat like crazy. One of the sisters weighed over 500 pounds. That could happen to me and I don't want that. Another woman on the show has to go to dialysis three times per week because her kidneys no longer work properly because of her obesity. I don't want that either. Many family members of the two sisters had died due to diabetes and other complications related to obesity. I don't want any of that, but any of those things could happen to me if I don't start making changes.
Last night I went and joined Anytime Fitness. I wasn't sure if I wanted to join because that means working out in public in front of other people. The front wall at the location I joined is all windows and I my first thought was about how self-conscious I would feel knowing people outside could see me inside working out. Once I was inside I was able to focus on what was going on inside and didn't even pay attention to what was going on outside. I need to work on changing my thoughts. Most of the people outside are going through the drive-thru of the McDonald's next door and not paying any attention to who is working out. And as long as I am in Anytime Fitness working out instead of in the McDonald's drive-thru, I have something to be proud of because I am taking action. Last night was just a tour. Tonight I need to get past the million and one excuses already starting in my head and just go and get started doing something. I want to get on the eliptical for as long as I can and then I want to go on a treadmill for a while. Anything will be an improvement over sitting at home feeling bad about myself. I am tired of being stuck and it is time to take some action and get unstuck!
