Dan and I went to Eau Claire yesterday and had a great day, even though it was hard too. I saw my Mom for the first time since learning of her PF diagnosis and just what that means. I was afraid that I would lose it and just fall apart when I saw her but I didn't. A group of us met at Olive Garden in Eau Claire for lunch - Dan and I, my Mom and Allen, Mary B. with Bronwyn and Gabriel, and Dave B. with Aja and one of her friends. Dan and I got there first and sat in the lobby waiting for everyone else to arrive. I noticed my Mom's car driving past the door and knew Allen had just let my Mom out so Dan and I stood up and Dan opened the door for my Mom. We hugged and I got choked up. She asked what was wrong and I told her I was fine. She said she needed to sit down and I couldn't help thinking that she had only walked from the car outside the front door to the lobby inside and needed to sit already and the worry started again. I had prayed a good part of the time driving to Eau Claire from Wausa that God would give me strength to not fall apart and to enjoy the time with my Mom and I know He was right there with us.
We sat and talked for a little bit while we waited for everyone else to arrive. My Mom told me that she had a call just before she left home and my uncle Edgar had had a heart attack. My aunt Myrna had called and told Allen and my Mom was feeling bad because she had asked Allen to tell Myrna she would call her back later in the day, but she didn't know about the heart attach when she asked that. Myrna told Allen that was fine because she wanted to talk to my Mom for a long time. They are sisters and so close and I am so glad they have each other to confide in and lean on.
We ended up being seated at the same table we were at just about a year ago for Mother's Day. What a special day that was. All three of my sisters and I were there with my Mom, my two daughters and my grandchildren were there with me, and Mary B. (my Godmother) and Emily(my cousin) joined us and we had such a nice time.
I sat next to my Mom during our lunch and we all just visited and had fun enjoying each other's company. After lunch my Mom mentioned that she will be going to see an ear, nose, and throat specialist soon and is hopeful the ENT will be able to figure out what is going on with her sinuses and with her left tonsil. She said her sinuses bother her all the time and her left tonsil has been making itself known and causing her to wake up in the middle of the night and to cough when it gets irritated, which is most of the time. I asked her when she sees her lung doctor again and she said she had just seen him on Friday and he reiterated what the doctor at Mayo Clinic had told her.
When it was time to leave we ended up standing in the lobby again for a little bit and I just realized she didn't have to sit down that time. We gave each other a hug and I told her I lover her. She said she loves me too and I got choked up again and this time she realized it was because of what is going on with her and she told me not to worry. I told her that is much easier to say than to do. She told me she has pretty much accepted it all and I told her I need to be able to talk about it to get to that point but I don't know what is okay to talk about and what isn't or who is okay to talk to and who isn't. I told her I hadn't even talked to my sisters at all because I didn't know if that is okay or not or what they know. She told me it was all okay to talk about and asked if that helps. It helps more than I can even express. She said she thinks she talks about it too much and would have talked about it more but didn't want our whole lunch to be about that. I confessed that I had told Mary B. earlier in the week and my Mom said that was okay. She is not trying to keep it a secret from anyone.
We left Olive Garden to go to my cousin Emily's house and I cried. I cry every day and feel bad about that because I think it must mean that I am not trusting God. I do trust Him and pray often and am trying to get a handle on my emotions and get to a place of acceptance, but I'm just not sure how to do that. When my Dad was diagnosed with cancer I escaped in drugs. I'm not doing that this time. I know today that the only way to get over it is to go through it. I still want to escape because that is what comes naturally to me, but drugs are not the answer today. It took a long time for me to work through the shame and guilt of turning to drugs to cope with my Dad dying and I don't want to do that again. Truthfully, I don't know if I would survive another run with drugs and don't want to find out. I want to be fully present, even with the emotional pain and the sadness. Today I am trying to find health ways to escape - by turning to God and trusting Him, using my God box, walking to relieve some of the anxiety and stress, and going to meetings. Even if I only make it to my Tuesday night NA meeting, I know it is a safe place to share what I am thinking and feeling and that the people there care about me. Staying in today and taking things one moment at a time is something I struggle with, but I keep trying. Right now it is time to wipe all the tears off my face and go get cleaned up and dressed to go to Bible study and church.
